


Collapsing Into You

by Demoneyedwanderer666



Series: Life after the Collapse: Hell [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel's Nickname is Cas, Dean Winchester is Protective of Castiel, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Destiel Day, Gen, Hurt Sam Winchester, M/M, Multi, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, POV Third Person, Post-Apocalypse, Protective Dean Winchester, Stop Hurting Cas 2k17, castiel is traumatized
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2018-12-14 05:27:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11776440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demoneyedwanderer666/pseuds/Demoneyedwanderer666
Summary: When the world came to it's end after the apocalyptic incident known as 'The Collapse' ; it brought upon it's darkest manifestations onto their world, Sam and Dean Winchester no longer fight to protect the lives they once knew they could save, but they try to save themselves instead.  6 years have passed and the desperation and fear of the unknown monstrosities has kept them alive so far and the brothers find themselves distant from one another. Dean; the older brother that he is, wishes to keep the only family he has alive, Until one day Sam disappears.Castiel, a man who never understood the pain and emotions that existed in his heart is finally given a sign when he is suddenly aggravated by a stranger who seeks for his help to rescue his brother from a place known as 'The Edge' , claiming that Castiel is the only one who has been there before on his own free will.What shall they discover within themselves once they've delved back into the past which may not even exist for them anymore?





	1. Log 1.0: Of what remains

_It's been quite some time since we departed from our usual stagnant stops. The detergent clean smell of the motel bed sheets and the sound of the fryer in sloppy restaurants still lingers on my tongue as if it was yesterday. I can't remember the last time we actually had a decent meal on our plates, even the scraps we do find here are way beyond our expectations. We barely even have time to think of food when all we do is run. Me, Dean Winchester is admitting to such lame ass speculations. Is that really what the world has made me become? Pathetic?_

"Dean?" Sam whispered in a hushed voice as he closed the door behind him, the wood made soft creaks as he entered quietly. Dean stood up from his short stool on the ground and turned off the lantern slightly as his eyes remained fixated outside the window. The fog had begun to rise again in the blue lit atmosphere of the woods, the wind was obsolete and no foreign shadows appeared in the darkness. Taking a sigh of relief Dean slowly walked towards his stool, away from the aggrivating view, Sam walked towards him but instead of standing he crossed by him and placed his back on the wall behind Dean. "Any luck?" He asked Sam as he clasped his hands together.

"No, actually-" Sam answered instantly before he stopped midway "But, how did you?.. Know, exactly?". Dean pursed his lips and rised with a groan, he ran his hand grimly through his tangled hair as he turned towards his brother, clearly he was tired and frustrated from the anger growing in his throat. "How many frickin times should I tell you Sam? Do you like being scolded and monitored like a damn baby?".

"Dean, I know we were lacking supplies, I wanted to help out because I know how strained you have been over the last few days... And I know that its not safe..".

"Not SAFE?! Bah!" Dean laughed sarcastically as he held in an infuriating scream "Sam, I don't know where your head is but for the love of god the word 'safe' is an understatement here! Its been years since the world became like that,okay? It shouldn't be anything new to you for Christ's sake! You know the risks out there, its kill or be killed Sam! No one will let you live and you just... Pranced! Literally pranced out- there... I". Dean covered his eyes as he breathed heavily in his clammy hands, he felt so irresponsible and mentally retarded for constantly saying the same thing over and over again. Sam remained silent as he clenched his fists in the torn pockets of his dirt covered jacket, his long brown locks hid half of his face as he bit his lip unconsciously. "Why aren't you saying anything Sam?" Dean spoke as he stared at his brother firmly, Sam shuffled in his spot and suddenly gasped out a smile, his nervous ragged chuckles couldn't overcome the tears that began to well up in his tired eyes. Dean watched him, completely taken aback by the attitude Sam displayed over his older brother's scolding. "Excuse me? What the hell is that?" He asked as he sniffed and swallowed his rage for the time being.

"You do know that that's the longest sentence you've actually said to me this past week? hell maybe even in months...". Sam smiled grimly as a tear fell onto his dry lips, the pinkness in his cheeks was smothered with dust and a strange empty paleness had taken over his skin as he spoke softly. The small scars on his forehead and left eyelid seemed even more deeper in the dim lighting as he continued to speak "I know its been hard, I know that the time to fight back is over Dean. I swear I know, man" Sam rubbed his eyes with the end of his sleeve and a straight brown smudge appeared on his cheeks and on the bridge of his nose "But sometimes I just wish you could... Crack one of your lame jokes, here and there you know? Be like my older brother again. I never realized how much I missed him until he was finally gone for good". The blurry shadows moved and danced in small slight movements in the clustered shack, Dean pushed the stool from underneath him and placed it to the side, he crunched his way to the cold ground with a dead expression in his eyes "I'm still me Sam, you don't need to worry about me going anywhere". Sam opened his mouth slightly before he closed it again, he pushed his body away from the wall and slowly walked towards the opening that lead to his dusty chambers "I'll see you tomorrow Dean. Goodnight" Sam whispered as he placed himself quietly on his mattress on the ground. Dean could hear him take his boots off and lie down, the creaks of the spring mattress echoeing immensely as Sam slept. Dean shuffled on the cold floor and blew out the light in the lantern, he shed his jacket from his bruised arms and folded it accurately and placed it under his head. The small pebbles and sharp rocks poked into his skin and his ribs as he shuffled to and fro in order to gain a somewhat comfortable position to lie in. Dean sighed as he created a hole by his constant shuffling, his bones began to crack and they felt twisted as he breathed comfortably but cautiously. Half of the time his eyes remained immobile; he couldn't blink nor could the stinging bother him, his frozen form lied lifeless on the ground as he tried to sleep.

"I'm still me Sammy. I'm still him".

The faint glow from the window spread over Dean's worn out eyes indicating that the sun was somewhere out there in the empty sky. Was there even a sun to look at anymore? He slowly opened his eyes and groaned, slow and still warm in his mouth Dean let out a yawn. He continued to stare out of the smudgy glass window and ponder, when was the last time he felt the warmth of the sun on his skin?  
Ever since the 'collapse', there was no trace of any world left beyond the one they walked upon, six years ago Dean had fully understood what a true tragedy looked like if it were made into a scene, and he gradually came to terms with the fact that all of the heroes he once dreamed to become were all buried along with him, not even their bones existed in the rotting earth below. An ache appeared in his chest as he pushed himself upwards, rubbing his hand on his back and his waist as he let out a tired sigh "Sammy? What do we have left to eat?" Dean scratched his head and picked himself up from the ground "Sam?"

No response.

Dean stared in dismay towards Sam's room, the word No constantly resonated in his head as he stumbled in an achingly slow fashion. He peered into the grey room and was embraced by a cold desolated atmosphere, Dean could feel his heart stopping the moment he saw the empty bed. But did his eyes deceive him? Was it really empty?.

A note?

His shaky fingers slid onto the edges of the crumpled paper, he flipped it to the other side and read the clean swirls and curves.

**_I promise, I'll fix this._ **


	2. Log 2.0: A man in search of his brother, and how I came into the picture.

"Settle down boys, you'll do better next time".

"You know what Castiel, you're the fucking scum of the earth you know that? This is like your fifth win in a row!" Zach continued to complain as Castiel pushed all of their possessions into his dirty white tote bag. "So what you're trying to say is that as long as I lose by you fine gentlemen I'm better off, but if I win I'm 'scum'? Now where's the joy in that?" Castiel smirked as he dusted his pants off and pulled at the ends of his scruffy beard. "That's not the point, I'm just saying that you winning like this constantly?.. It's not normal!"

"Well you're stupid enough to actually THINK I was normal, right guys?" Castiel grinned as he looked towards the other players, but as a result Alex and Michael gave him one of the nastiest glares he's ever received by a man, and Castiel wasn't in the mood for making enemies today.

"Oye douchebag you ain't allowed in there, I said YOU AI-". The sudden ruffles of the green curtain brought in an ample amount of dirt and pebbles into the dimly lit tent, Castiel squinted as the visitor invaded his space and didn't allow him to rejoice for his winnings for the day. The shadow spoke in a gruff rugged voice as he placed one foot inside the shade.

"Which one of you handsome blokes is Castiel?" He spoke as his eyes wandered over each and every one of their faces. The stranger's face was completely overshadowed by the strong light emitting behind him, only a fragment of his eyes could be seen in the darkness.  
If Castiel had the words to describe this stranger's aura who called him by his name, the exact word would be **'electric'** , with a hint of **desperation** on his tongue.

"Who's asking?" Castiel responded as he shuffled to his feet and refused to make eye contact.

Damn it, he's just a few inches taller; Castiel yelped as he tried to play his suave bad ass character in this scene. "I presume you're the one Balthazar spoke of?" The visitor questioned as his gaze shifted from the table to Castiel instantly. Unfortunately Castiel's reaction after the name 'Balthazar' gave away his identity.

 **Insane** , that's one other word he would've used to describe his visitor.  
"Balthazar? Did he send you here just to get on my nerves again?" He answered sluggishly as he walked past the stranger and into the open, he knew he had to escape as quickly as he could, and especially if Balthazar was in the picture Castiel knew it would not be a fun thing to look forward to. "He said that you'd be able to help me" he continued even as Castiel kept walking away, he could hear footsteps behind him but he refused to look back, Castiel kept marching towards his sanctuary as he started to pick up the pace. "Well you can just tell Balthazar to do his own dirty work, I'm not helping"

"He's dead"

Castiel came to a sudden stop and he ended up twisting his foot slightly, the footsteps behind him faded as the stranger panted and spoke more softly. "The things, it got him as he tried to bring me here to you, he said you were the only one who knew how to get to the place I need to go. Please, I need to know if what he said was really true" . Castiel gripped onto the strap of his tote bag more harshly than before, he took a few steps forward and continued to walk slowly "Oye, I need an answer from you assh-"

"Just be quiet and follow me" Castiel shouted without looking back, they continued to walk in the serene grey woods in silence until Castiel could fully grasp the situation.

What the hell was he thinking?

Castiel placed his bag onto the cushions lying on the floor as he rubbed his shoes on the carpet below "Make yourself comfortable" he beckoned the visitor to a slightly comfortable arm chair on his right. The stranger copied his gestures and placed his shoes on the side as he entered deep into Castiel's home. He filled half of a metallic mug with lukewarm water from his bashed up cooler and handed it to his guest, and doing so he finally met the tired look in the stranger's eyes. His skin was much clearer and fairer than he had expected and his furrowed brows and fox like eyes gazed longingly at the mug as he drank it all in one swift breath. His parched lips and firm cheekbones radiated beauty regardless of it's hairy and haggard condition; Castiel was oddly satisfied after seeing the stranger's face. "What can you tell me about the edge?" He went down to business

"Don't I even get an introduction from you?" Castiel joked with his eyes wide. The man slowly looked away as he made an embarrassed grin "I'm Dean Winchester, and I've been looking for my brother for over 9 months, after finally confirming his whereabouts I came to know of the place known as the 'edge', and you might be the only person who can act as my guide" he managed to finish his sentence with his slightly dry throat. Castiel arched his back at the edge of his chair's support and stared at the torn army green sheets that covered his head "So you believed everything Balthazar told you without even considering the lies he has piled up?" Dean slowly bent forward and placed his elbows on his knees, his warm breath drew in closer as he continued to speak.

“He said that you were the only one who willingly went there on your own, knowing fully well what dangers you were going to face in order to make it there. And for one thing I knew that this wasn’t a lie” Dean spoke bitterly as he fixated his eyes onto Castiel’s, every word pouring from his mouth vibrated with anger and sorrow even before he finished. Castiel remained unmoved, watching this withered man made him even more cautious of the situation, could it be just a joke? It was Balthazar after all. “How do you know he wasn’t lying?” Castiel questioned him with his unfazed stature as he bent towards Dean’s quivering face. All of a sudden Dean’s face hardens, his expression stoic and mysterious as he took a non existent sigh, his eyes looked down and within seconds they envelope Castiel’s once more, catching him completely off guard.

 **Unreal** , one more word to describe this man.

“Because he owed me a favor, and in this case as he was dying in my arms I told him that he owed me, so he told me the truth, that there was another way to save my brother, it’s the least he could do for me” Castiel was intrigued by Dean’s mixture of emotions and actions as moments passed, his unnerving qualities were slowly beginning to entice the surface of Castiel’s mind and he was actually enjoying every bit of it, all he could think in his head was _unravel, unravel, UNRAVEL_.

But when Dean finished and started to speak again his tone had become more forceful instead “I know you might want something in return, but I don’t have shit to give you, all I’m saying is that I’m willing to do anything as long as you agree to help me” “How do you even know he’s there? He must be insane to go there willingly, and trust me. I KNOW” Castiel bickered just to annoy his visitor and make him leave somehow “How do you even know that he’s still alive?”

Dean looked at him calmly and with a stare that sent chills down your spine “It’s just a hunch, and I’m not giving up unless I follow that hunch”

Castiel was stupefied by the amount of confidence this man possessed, is he for real? Just because of a hunch? “Listen, you got the wrong guy for this ‘mission’ of yours, I think you’ll have to look elsewhere for your brother. I don’t think a hunch is a good enough reason to risk your life for” Castiel mumbled as he stood up and walked in the opposite direction, all he had on his mind was to look at his winnings and maybe even take a nap if he felt like it.

“You don’t understand… He’s all I’ve got left.”

Castiel stops.

“Wouldn’t you do the same if you were in my spot?”

His fists are clenched and the palms of his hands begin to sting by the pain, did he just say that to me? Doesn’t he understand that there is nothing there for him?

“I would’ve done it in a heartbeat, especially if there was a chance to begin with” Castiel sighed sadly, the emotions that he felt within him wasn’t his own, he knew that and made peace with that fact, but it seems that he was still trying to understand what had happened to him all those years ago. “I’m begging you Castiel, I know it’s too much to ask, but I honestly don’t have anything left if Sammy’s gone. Please, you have to help me..”

Castiel has a dim expression wearing out on his aged face, the ‘maybe’ and ‘what ifs’ still swimming around in his head, he led a peaceful life to this point and he wanted it to drain him dry already so why was he so hesitant to let his life continue this way the moment this man began to speak? Castiel shut his eyes just to escape this world for a second, just to think of some way to find an answer for the man pleading to save his brother’s life. Why do these rushed emotions feel so familiar to him?

Could he manage to make it through the second time?

He turned around to see a puppy dog eyed Dean Winchester still pleading, but this time he was begging from his eyes alone, where did all the dominance go tough guy?. Castiel managed to pass on a small smile in return, but his eyes showed the exact opposite reaction.

“9 hours from now, be here. I’ll take you to the edge”


	3. Log 3.0: We emerge from thee, oh darkness

Has it really been 9 hours since then? Dean commented as he made his way towards Castiel’s ruffled tent, the sky was stagnant the moment he left his home and only blurry images of his conversation with him existed in that battered head of his. He felt his fever rising again as his stomach growled uneasily, he couldn’t comprehend over the fact that he was actually getting back into his old roots again.

What was it like before all of this really? Walking into danger like this? Couldn’t he just give up already?

“Ahoy” A familiar voice broke him out of his daze. Castiel poked his head out and gave him a small wave as a greeting “We need to get moving fast, I’m actually not sure if the weather will actually behave today” Castiel claimed as he dragged his oversized backpack from his dust filled sanctuary. “What do you mean ‘behave’, it’s the same kind of weather everyday, fog, mist and slightly dry” he answered, slightly confused by Castiel’s conjecture. Castiel turned around and smirked at Dean’s confused face and continued to slide his arms through the straps of his bag.

“What?”

“It’s nothing, nothing really. I’m just warning you beforehand so that you don’t blame me for anything later on” Castiel mused as he struggled to keep his feet firm on the ground with the heavy bag strapped onto him. “Well what I’m saying is believable because after the collapse the whole weather system got shitty, the sun disappeared and the clouds never changed, they always remained the same” Dean rambled, and Castiel still kept himself occupied with his belongings and ‘just in case’ items.

“Okay, long story short the weather might act up, you understand?” Dean nodded slightly with an annoyed look on his face, ignoring him completely Castiel walked forward and allowed him to linger behind, as slowly as he wanted to walk. He glanced at his tent one last time and felt his stomach turn, he knew the chances he was risking right now and if he was being honest with himself, he was actually terrified, but Dean- as impatient as he seemed- waited for Castiel and let him have his moment. Biting his lower lip slightly Castiel swirled back to his old position and started moving quickly, regardless of how heavy his steps felt. He mentally embraced the heavy air that surrounded his stiff legs as he strolled non-seriously through the dead forest, Castiel felt less burdened the moment he started walking ahead of Dean, the silence between them grew so much that within minutes he had forgotten that he was actually behind him at all. He was actually relieved that he mustered up the courage to finally go back to the place that may be the key to answering his questions, even after all these years he doesn’t really know why he was drawn to that place so many years ago and why his brain had become so dense and hard that he couldn’t find what was preserved inside it. Was he really just acting that naïve because he just needed a reason to stay away from that place in general?

**Probably so.**

“I hope I don’t intrude on our- oh so splendid journey together but I’ve been meaning to ask you some questions regarding our destination” Dean interrupts at just the right time. Castiel tilted his head slightly and tells him to ‘shoot’.

“I wanted to know your part about it, about the edge. Just what exactly can you tell me Castiel?”

Castiel treads a little gently as he lets Dean reach his side; he’s keeping his head bent as he shoves his hands into his rumpled jacket pockets. Dean’s kept his lips pursed and his eyes reveal the most transparent expression Castiel has ever seen, but even so he couldn’t decipher what was going through his mind. He thought about his question for a while and he remained unsure whether he should scare him with the truth.

“If you think I’ll be turning back after you answer; then nice try buddy. I’m going all in for this trip”

_Damn it, what is this guy?_

Castiel gave off a silent chuckle and they both started walking at the same pace as he gave his answer “The Edge, if I’m being honest I’m not a 100% sure about that place at all. Several theories by the local lunatics suggested that it’s the place where our memories are born; others said that it’s where our old memories are buried. And many, even more than these theories there were certain claims that it’s just a place where a person’s realities merge and there’s nothing but darkness.” Dean kept listening intently as Castiel wandered off with his words “But so many of those alleged claims are from false sources, from people who’ve never even set foot there. So there’s really nothing I can say about what’s true or not”

Dean looked at him peculiarly, Castiel could see that he knew something wasn’t right with the way Castiel spoke about the edge, and strangely enough Castiel knew what he was thinking up in his head “I wanna know what you know. Because according to Balthazar you might be the only one who went there and came back alive” Dean spoke as he moved in a little closer.

Castiel was hesitant again, but he didn’t think lying was a really great way to gain his visitor’s trust.

“I don’t want to disappoint or anything, but what I saw was literally nothing.”

“Elaborate…”

“When I made it there, God knows how, but when I did… all I remember was that there was a huge cliff. And beyond that cliff I couldn’t see any land, any sky, even the air was non existent. And once you looked down, it seemed like…”

“Like what?” Dean grabbed Castiel’s arm out of anticipation, his touch had such a tender warmth to it and Castiel felt so drawn towards that minute connection.

“Like… the world broke off from there. And that there was nothing beyond that point, Heh… I guess we gave it that name for a reason I guess” he broke off as he grabbed the ends of his sleeves anxiously. Dean started scanning Castiel’s body language and through the sincerity of his gestures he knew that he wasn’t lying to him, the air between them felt lighter as they continued to walk through a rocky path around the corner.

“Anyways, you never really told me why your brother would be there in the first place” Castiel broke the silence as he shuffled through the narrow gaps between the thick branches of the trees. Dean broke the branches and twigs effortlessly with his gloved hands, the veins in his elbows popping as he made through them without a scratch “Sammy has a way with getting lost, and after the description you’ve given me I’m definitely certain that he’s headed that way” Dean concluded as he looked up at Castiel again.

“But, why did he go there… is what I’m trying to ask” indicated Castiel with a softness in his voice, he knew Dean wasn’t that much of a talker so he was cautious with the questions he asked; at least he thought he was.

But Dean answered, with the same softness in his voice.

“I guess for the same reason the others wanted to go, to find answers” Dean blinked slowly as he wore a poignant smile on his face, Castiel could count the slight wrinkles that appeared on the corner of his eyes and after watching him he realized how much hurt existed in this man.

 ** _Torn_** , another word that made it into Castiel’s list.

“Sammy may have known something I didn’t; maybe he found a way to reverse what’s been done. But how the hell could he find a way? And worst of all he didn’t even tell me about any of it.” Castiel listened quietly, knowing well that Dean was thinking out loud and he didn’t wish to intrude his thoughts at all, regardless of how meddled they seemed.

“Castiel, I know this is going to test you, this whole thing. And I’m just letting you know that I’ll try my best to not get you killed”

“That’s…. reassuring… I guess?” Castiel answered sarcastically as his eyes squinted constantly. Dean looked at him and gave out a genuine- yet shortly lived- laugh. Castiel felt something tickle at the back of his throat and he held in a smile. Why did he feel so different all of a sudden?

“I think we’ll need to find shelter soon, the light seems so be dying out” said Dean as he quickened the lightness of his steps. Castiel placed his hand on his shoulder and looked at Dean’s nervous face with a calm expression, and suddenly Dean reacted accordingly to it.  
“We’ll be reaching the city soon, so be ready for anything. Absolutely anything at all” Castiel spoke in his hushed voice, Dean’s eyes melted into his and he knew he was about to face one of the obstacles that would bring him closer to his brother.

All they had to do was survive.

How hard could that be?

Right?

Dean kept his steps steady along the gravel as he carefully pulled out his survival knife; his eyes haphazardly searched every corner of the buildings and shops that were at a close distance. Castiel took out his blade as well, which stretched out quite smoothly until it ended with a sharp point at it’s end, Dean was intrigued by his choice of weapon and he held in the urge to ask about it.

The city looked like any typical metropolis would, but the only difference was that the buildings could collapse at any given moment; and what’s even worse? You were unaware of the life that still may exist in them. The air was dense and somewhat too serene for their lungs and the shadows created by the broken skyscrapers and 30 floor apartment complexes were not pleasing to watch, Dean felt an unsettling vibration in his chest and he could feel himself perspire “So, uh… can you tell me exactly what kind of things I should be looking out for?” Dean asked discreetly without any sense of fear in his voice.

“Oh you know, werewolves, cannibals, vampires, the whole shindig” Castiel answered, a slight terror in his tone of voice, Dean turned and looked at him with a small smirk on his face and he walked slowly ahead of him.

That was unsettling, Castiel told himself. All of a sudden they heard a shuffling noise over by one of the garbage canisters nearby, Dean swiftly pulled out a pistol from his back pocket and crossed his hands in front of him with both the knife and his gun in his hands. Castiel readied his knife and tried to copy Dean’s stance but instead he just held his blade in such a way that he was going to pull his enemy’s eye out rather than attack him statistically.

Dean Winchester: 1 Castiel: 0

Before reacting in any way the both of them held their breaths steady and closed the gap between each other, they waited to hear any foreign sound before they actually decided to attack or take cover. Dean remained still, Castiel remained still as well. What was behind it?  
Another sound invaded their ears, a slight movement of a heavy object could be heard over the distance and Dean pounced to the sound, Castiel followed pursuit and tip toed as quietly as he could; they crossed the canister and entered a narrow passage between one of the buildings. They positioned themselves and started pushing through slowly, their hands traced the chipped off bricks of the building and a dusty dry smell had taken over their lungs. Dean made it through the passage first and he dashed towards the source of the sound. Castiel still followed lazily behind, his claustrophobia was kicking in and he found it somewhat difficult to breathe through the passage. He needed to catch up.

Moments later he was exposed to the same dull light of the earth once more as he fell to the ground and pushed himself back up almost instantly; he positioned himself again and pointed his blade around chaotically. He then noticed Dean’s relaxed stance and jogged towards him casually “What was it?” he asked.

Dean signaled the source by pointing with his eyes and Castiel reluctantly followed his direction; they couldn’t really understand what they were seeing.

A moose was tangled up in one of the fishing nets that were usually found at the edges of the river banks or in shallow water, but strangely the net was crossing over its thick neck and it looped all the way around it’s back legs. The large net was also attached to a massive green metallic container which consisted of garbage; Dean sighed exhaustingly as the worry started to fade from his face. Castiel held in a laugh because he knew his timing couldn’t be any worse; Dean knew what he had to do so he approached the moose slowly with light footsteps. Castiel moved behind him too, raising his arms above his head, the moose saw the two of them and groaned at the sight of Castiel. Dean turned around to see why it seemed distressed and he rolled his eyes in response.

“Lose the blade, you dumbass. It’s scaring the damn thing” Dean hissed as he tried to keep his cool. Castiel glanced at his right hand that was still gripped tightly on the blade and he ridiculously shoved it back into his belt quickly. Dean had his hand raised as he approached cautiously, the moose was reluctant and it was making a lot of noise by shuffling around in his clustered spot. Dean shushed and soothed the moose as he kept on getting closer; Castiel stood at a distance and watched amusingly as he remained amazed by his technique. Within a few steps Dean placed his hand on the animal’s nostril and scratched slightly, the animal huffed and grunted by the contact but it became much more comfortable by the atmosphere Dean had created. He slowly produced his knife and started cutting the pieces of the net off of its antlers “Castiel, you cut the net off from the green garbage box, and do it quickly so that it doesn’t have time to react” Castiel nodded and reached the rear end of the moose, he was actually nauseas by the smell of the massive animal and he held in his breath and started to cut hesitantly.

A few minutes had passed while they kept cutting in silence and before Castiel could react the sound of gunfire invaded his ears, the giant animal screamed in fear and jolted carelessly by the sound, Dean blocked himself as he backed away as the animal kept jumping and started shoving the air with its antlers blindly. Castiel withdrew and saw the animal create a ruckus and as it set itself free from the tangled up net, he saw Dean slightly dazed by the situation and he wasn’t reacting correctly.

**“DEAN, WATCH OUT!”**

Castiel lunged towards Dean and pulled him away just in time; he couldn’t keep his balance in the messy encounter with the animal so he instinctively covered Dean’s body with his own as they fell to the ground. Castiel placed his forehead and his hands over Dean’s face as he shut his eyes tightly. He felt the back of his head pound by the sudden strain but he refused to move away until he the sounds of the moose’s hooves were gone for good. After the ringing left his ears and he was able to see again he managed to breathe at a normal pace. He could feel Dean’s chest move under his own and he pushed himself off of him slowly; Castiel placed his hand on Dean’s face and cleaned off the dirt from his face.

“Come on, we need to move” Castiel spoke quietly as he rotated his head in different directions, making sure they weren’t seen. Dean was breathing slowly and he started to get up before he lost his balance and fell down again with a groan.

“Hey, hey… What’s wrong with you?” Castiel pulled Dean towards him and wrapped his arm around his shoulder; he could feel Dean’s excessive body heat as he watched him shudder. “I’m fine, let’s get going” Dean replied sluggishly before he passed out. Castiel sighed and let Dean’s tired body fall onto his as he dragged him away from the wreckage, he was getting tired from the walking himself but he knew they needed shelter before nightfall. A sense of panic rose in his gut but he didn’t have time to ponder over it. Dean was heating up pretty bad and he needed to lay him somewhere no one would search.

You’re in a crisis now Castiel.

The sound of crackling wood occupied the remnants of Dean’s mind, he could hear it at a short distance but he couldn’t really open his eyes to see it himself. His nostrils were filled by the ash like smell of the remains of the wood and he could hear the hissing sound of a beer can being opened. In this utter confusion Dean felt so much at peace by these senses alone, until he heard a voice.

_“Dean, do you remember the time when you smuggled all of those fireworks on the fourth of July? And you went completely insane when you blew all of them up by accident?”_

_“Sammy?”_ Dean choked on his own dry spit.

 _“Honestly, that was one of the best things you did for me when I was a kid. You were even more giddy and excited than I was!”_ Sam chuckled. Dean noticed how much softer and happier his tone seemed as he continued to pry his eyes open, but to no such avail he kept on calling his brother’s name. _“Sammy can you see me? I need some help here, I can’t see anything Sam! Sammy?”_ Dean beseeched as he placed his hands on the foreign ground.

 _“Maybe if I had more memories like that, maybe even slight bursts of happy moments like that… I would’ve stayed. The life that dad made us grow up in had such a strong hold on me that my rage made me forget all of the good things that existed in that life. I missed having all of those memories with you”_ Sam carried on with no remorse in his voice; he paused for a while before he took a deep breath and started speaking again.

_“Can we do that again? Have those moments? Even in the world we live in now?”_

_“Sammy I promise you I won’t ever leave you again, but please I need you to stick with me right now okay? I need you to help me Sam, just help me see again and I’ll come rushing to you, I promise”_

**_“Can you really do that Dean? Do you honestly think you can do that?”_** Sam spoke, a hint of irritation in his words.

**_“Sammy?”_ **

“Sam?” Dean mumbled as he felt his closed eyes twitch with the sudden gasp he took. Castiel instantly reacted to his voice and he drew in closer to his face “Dean, you need to wake up”. Dean’s eyes fluttered clumsily as he tried to focus on Castiel’s face, but his vision was still slightly blurry. Tears welled up in his eyes and Castiel saw one tear drop fall from his eyes before Dean was conscious once more.“Castiel? What the hell happened?” Dean mumbled as he went into full soldier mode.

“You fainted because of the fever you kept hidden from me, dumbass” Castiel remarked sarcastically “The least you could’ve done was warn me about it Dean”. He shuffled in his spot on the floor and he glared at Castiel with a small pout on his face “Get the hell away from me”.  
Castiel stood up and walked towards the small pot he was brewing on the stove, Dean pushed himself up with the little strength he had and when he finally came to his senses he realized they were inside a cozy, slightly furnished living room. The windows were boarded up by worn out wood and the room consisted of a small torn up couch and a few withered house plants still drying up in their ceramic pots. A few steps from the room there lied the kitchen, the white tiles on the floor were getting brown from their edges and the countertops looked worn out regardless of how slightly used they looked. Castiel stood a few inches away in front of a basic white stove which was surprisingly functional. “How did you find this place?” Dean yawned as he managed to pick himself up from the ground “I knew we had to hide somewhere low key, so I ended up searching for small houses in an area where apartments were the ideal place to live in.”

Dean patiently listened as he drew nearer towards the counter and placed his hand for support “Luckily after dragging you for several hours I grew the distance between the gun shots and I found this place just in time. The house clearly looked new and I hoped that the appliances were functional too, and luckily I fiddled with some of the wiring on this stove and made it work, and don’t ask me how I did it because I just ended up hurting myself more for this luxury” Castiel chuckled as he spun the spoon around, Dean could smell some spices and vegetables in the pot and he drooled over the thought of what it might be “I looked around just in case and once I knew the coast was clear I dragged you inside and barred the door with one of the heavy mattresses I found in one of the bedrooms… I was actually really worried about the whole thing, I didn’t know if I was going to make it in time”. “How long has it been since then?” Dean asked, concerned over the possibility if they were safe or not. Castiel could sense the uncertain fear in Dean’s voice but he replied warmly “It has been four hours since then, and we made it here before it got dark. The gun shots faded out after our moose incident, it didn’t happen again after that” Castiel took a taste from the pot and he slurped wittily with the silliest grin on his face. He hummed happily and turned the gas off in the stove “Dean, don’t hover in this tiny space and please go lie down.” Dean’s lips outlined a strange expression, like a child forced to go to bed early; Castiel smirked at the thought of Dean exhibiting child like behavior and a sudden lightness began to spread in his mind. Castiel rummaged through his backpack and took out one of the ‘just in case’ items he had prepared.

His favorite plastic bowls which had adorable cartoon characters on them. Castiel beamed over the fact of how smart he was.

He poured the sultry thick liquid into the bowls and brought them over to Dean, he sat down and gave him the second bowl which had a little yellow Woodstock peeping out from the corner of the bowl, while Castiel kept the pink bowl which had Snoopy with his aviator goggles on for himself. Before Dean could devour his soup he grinned at the cartoon character and continued drinking, Castiel was pleased by the fact that he didn’t judge him for possessing such items “If the collapse didn’t happen I would definitely comment on your choice of kitchen miscellaneous” Dean hummed as he consumed his food without taking any breaths in between. Castiel laughed loudly before he covered his mouth with his clammy hands, Dean stared at him wide eyed before he broke out a smile too.

 _Cute_ , another word added to Castiel’s list.

They ate in silence, which wasn’t very long because they annihilated their food within seconds, Castiel opened one of the small pockets in his back pack once he was done eating and in his hands he produced a strip containing some medicine. His second hand searched through one of the larger pockets and he took out his metallic flask.

The flask was navy blue in color and on the top of the lid there were black curves which formed into two wings; Castiel handed both of these items to Dean and he looked at them questioningly “Take the damn medicine for your fever, we still have a lot to cover tomorrow and I do not intend on carrying you” Castiel articulated as he shoved the two things into Dean’s lap. Dean was annoyed by the fact that he was treating him so lightly, but his head and stomach were too full from the meal for him to give a damn at this point.

“These are expired…” Dean commented as he flipped the medicine strip over to show Castiel “It’s only been a few months since it did, so it’s worth the risk” he answered with a smug smile on his face, Dean pondered over his words and took the pill and kept eye contact with Castiel as he drank the slightly warm water from the flask. He coughed slightly before he began to relax. Castiel sat cross legged a few centimeters away from the mattress Dean laid on; he shuffled into a more comfortable position before he spoke again.

“I heard you while you were asleep; I suppose it was a bad dream?” Castiel asked cautiously, Dean could sense an innocent curiosity in his words and he answered honestly in response.

“Yeah, I’ve been getting some nightmares recently, but I guess its mostly because my mind’s been boggled up with a lot of shit”.

Castiel nodded full heartedly, he didn’t say anything after that for a while before he thought of another question.

“So, before… all of this. What were you like? I mean, you had a family or a job or something?”

“I did, but the family died long before any of this happened. It was just me and Sammy for as long as I can remember” Dean paused and noticed that Castiel was listening intently; his wide blue eyes were radiating and glistening by the light that escaped the lantern’s glass “Strangely enough Sam and I were hunters before this, and coincidently we hunted down all of these things before, werewolves, ghouls, vampires, the whole shindig” Dean blinked and held in a small smile as he looked at Castiel again.

“Oh.”

“What’s with that reaction?” Dean laughed

“It’s nothing really. I just feel like I knew some people who did that too” Castiel replied, a sudden sadness had invaded his voice and Dean became a little curious himself. He wasn’t tired yet so he allowed the conversation to go on for a little while longer.

“What about you? What were you doing before any of this happened?”

Castiel looked nervous after Dean asked his question; Dean raised his eyebrow questioningly as he glanced at Castiel until he finally answered.

“I don’t want you to be alarmed but I really can’t remember what I used to do before any of this happened…” Castiel saw that Dean was slightly anxious by his claim and Castiel stared waving his arms frantically in order to ease the tension between them “I’m not evil or anything! But what I’m trying to say is that only minor fragments of my memories exist, its complicated I know but… I guess part of the reason I’m taking you with me is because I wanted to know if that place is the source of my past” he trailed on, Dean’s eyes reflected a child like aura and he playfully watched Castiel as he fumbled with his words excessively. “You don’t have to prove yourself, I mean you risked your life to just save one guy, who you barely know anything about” Dean smacked his lips as he looked up and gave Castiel a warm smile.  
“Maybe the only reason I kept you alive is because I could use you as bait for when the monsters attack us” Castiel joked as he poured some water on a clean cloth and scraped the gooey mess from his bowls.

“Not if I use you first” Dean answered, in a sinister yet lighthearted tone. Castiel squinted slightly and glared at Dean and knew he wasn’t kidding, regardless of the smile he wore on his face.

Castiel placed all of his items in his bag and he began to lie down on the floor before Dean waved in his direction.

“Uh, what do you think you’re doing?”

“Um, sleeping?”

“Get your ass up here on this mattress, its big enough”

Castiel looked at Dean, a horrified expression on his face. Dean was annoyed by his reaction and he smacked his head lightly “Stop being a baby and just sleep on this side of the mattress, you won’t even know I’m here” Dean shuffled towards the corner of the mattress and gave an ample amount of space for Castiel to lie down in. Weak willed as Castiel was, he scampered from the floor and lied down on the old mattress with ease and sighed at the connection with the soft surface. Dean and Castiel’s backs were inches away from each other and they sensed the awkward atmosphere that existed between that gap.

Both of them felt weary from their journey and they slowly began to drift away.

“Castiel?” Dean spoke after Castiel’s eyes had almost given up.

“Hmm?”

“Thank you. For saving my life”

Castiel finally gave out a smile that he was holding in for quite a while, the softness in Dean’s words began to pulse through Castiel’s ears and it created a soothing hum in them.

He reached out towards the lantern and blew the flame out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is enjoying it thus far! I intend on focusing the character development in my work and mostly the relationships they have with one another. I hope you're enjoying it so far and I'll be updating the chapters quite frequently too! There's gonna be a lot of twists in my story and I hope you'll suffer along with it. MWAHAHAHAHAH   
> Okay, maybe not that much :p


	4. Log 4.0: An arrival of a beast

“See, I told you the weather would be unpredictable” Castiel sneered as they walked around the abandoned cul de sac, he gazed at the left over pieces of rotten sandwiches and the empty benches and lawn chairs the adults presumably used to occupy, after looking at the stale emptiness Castiel felt a twinge in his heart. He looked at Dean and wondered if any of these similar thoughts crossed through that dense head of his, but he seemed unfazed by the atmosphere. I guess that’s what happens to a person who’s lost everything.

Well, almost everything.

Dean was too focused to pass on a remark so he chose to ignore him for the time being, he was actually a little concerned over the unstable weather condition. The clouds were the same, he thought, his stubbornness clearly at its peak. It honestly didn’t seem like a rainy day at least, maybe it was fog perhaps? Dean straightened his back as he kept on walking towards a trafficked road up ahead, regardless of how wide it was the massive cars and bullet proof vans were blocking even the most cramped up spaces. “I used this road to cross over all those years ago, there may be another way to cross it but I’m not really sure where that path might be” Castiel spoke as he looked around for any other short cuts nearby. Dean clicked his tongue as his head continued to pound by the sudden rage building up inside, he nodded and started walking towards his right, Castiel didn’t move for several seconds before he realized the widening distance between them. He held his denim jacket closer to his body and kept it there for some time, he felt a strange cold feeling erupting in his chest and he wanted it to go away somehow. He huddled close behind Dean, he saw him crouch behind one of the broken walls of a local juice shop and Castiel kept following him with his eyes. Dean looked up at him and sighed in response, he shook his head in disappointment and walked over to Castiel and spoke so softly that Castiel had to get in closer to understand.

“It’s a dead end from this point; it seems we have no other choice but to take that road”

“How the hell will we dodge all of those cars?”

“Easy, we climb over one of the big sons of bitches and then carry on from that point”

“You mean… literally walk on cars? And use them as a bridge?”

“Exactly”

Castiel looked at Dean, his mind completely frozen by the suggestion. Walking on cars?! Dean stared at him with a rigid smile and waited for him to respond, he knew Castiel had no choice, regardless of the puzzled expression on his face.

“Let’s do it”

Dean placed his hands on the ground and indicated what Castiel had to do “Since you’re a few inches shorter I think you would need a lift” Dean playfully roasted his companion, Castiel was not amused at all “When you reach the top of this van you need to pull me up okay? And make sure you don’t slip because the surface can be kind of tricky to hold on to. Do you understand?”

“Yes. Understood”

Dean positioned himself on the ground and gave Castiel a nod of his head along with a small “come on”. Castiel power walked towards him and steadily placed his foot on his hands, the next moment he realized he was reaching out towards the van’s roof and his magical moment of flight was soon fading away. He crawled onto the top of the car and breathed a sigh of relief, even though the amount of energy he used was close to a minimum. “Castiel, reach out to me!”

He jolted embarrassingly and spread himself out on the van as he bent over the edge and reached out to Dean. His stomach was being pressed by the cold metallic roof and he could feel that he was straining himself excessively, but even so he balanced his feet and positioned them in a way that his body would not slip. Dean jumped approximately three times, and on the third jump he made a loud grunt and stretched out to reach Castiel’s arms. Gladly he caught him just in time and pulled him up with all of his strength, Castiel scowled at the sudden weight he had to pull and he ended up biting his lip a little too hard. With a couple ounces of strength left he gave one last hard pull and ended up falling on his back along with Dean.

Dean’s head banged against Castiel’s chest and he shouted “Ow!” in a comical way, Dean started rubbing his head with his free hand while the other helped him get up. Dean chuckled through his pain and hovered over Castiel; he rubbed his chest similarly and smiled like the hero he was. But as they laughed nervously they realized how close they were to one another, Dean continued to stare at Castiel from his position above him and he remained stiff on his back without even flinching; Dean was breathing slowly with his mouth closed and his eyelashes bounced as he kept blinking unnecessarily, Castiel couldn’t understand what was happening but in all honesty he was actually intrigued by the strange connection the two of them shared in this moment, he was actually curious of what might happen next.

 _Erratic_ , another word that came up in his mind.

“Let’s- uh… keep moving” Dean answered after he bit his lip out of frustration, he closed his eyes and pushed himself off of Castiel, Castiel moaned internally as he felt a bruise being born on his chest, he lifted himself up and stood upright on the van and stared at the long blocked road up ahead. The line of cars seemed endless from the position they were in, a couple hours work at least, Castiel was already counting the emotions he was going to feel once he started crossing this nightmare of a traffic jam, he looked towards Dean who already had a 5 minute head start, he was on top of a vehicle which was approximately five cars away from him. “Wait up!” He called after him as he clumsily slipped from the van and started jumping towards him.

“How long has it been since then?” Castiel panted as he stepped onto the roof of yet another car “It’s only been half an hour at least” Dean heaved a sigh after stepping on further, Castiel could see that his breathing seemed unsteady because of the minute fever he still had and he knew Dean was not the kind of person to take a break that easily, but he still initiated the talk either way. “Dean, we should rest. It’s been more than two hours since we left the cul de sac” Dean winced at his suggestion and Castiel rolled his eyes at him “I know you lied about the time so cut the crap okay?” He spoke bitterly, Dean kept glaring at him and continued walking ahead until his foot slipped on one of the car roofs and he lost his balance. After he maintained himself again he dared to turn back and look at Castiel, who was already folding his arms and stomping his foot on the roof of his car. Dean gradually gave up and sat cross legged, Castiel walked towards him steadily and handed him his flask. Dean took large gulps from the flask before he realized how much he drank, he looked at Castiel apologetically and he just blinked his response with a nod, saying “It’s okay”. Castiel’s knee brushed up against Dean’s and he watched him as he stared at the sky, the details of his face were so clear to him that he ended up counting every eyelash that stood out, due to his curiosity he got caught looking. He tried his best not to blush and he remained poker faced even though Dean was staring into his soul, Dean shrugged and looked away and Castiel took a sigh of relief.

“What do you think might’ve happened here?” Castiel asked as he looked behind Dean and stared at the blocked up road ahead.

“Well, I guess the people tried to evacuate before the city got devoured by the collapse’ Dean replied as he scratched the back of his head, he looked at Castiel’s curious face and waited for him to come up with another question, which luckily he did.

“What was it like? The day it all…happened?” Castiel asked with a sullen and dazed look in his eyes as he slightly frowned. Dean shuffled and got a little closer to Castiel and started staring in the same direction he was “It was complete chaos, the sheer moment of terror that invaded my heart that night was one I could never forget, and sadly it still haunts me to this day”. Castiel contemplated on Dean’s honest words and he waited patiently for him to finish.

_“Sam and I were resting that night, we didn’t have a place to stay for the night so we decided to lay low and sleep in the car. Damn I miss her. But anyways, I remember while I was half asleep I heard a strange ringing in my ear, the kind that vibrated throughout your whole body. It messed up my frequency and I was dizzy seconds after I woke up. Sam pulled me out of the car and carried me behind one of the trees and placed me down for support. He started shaking me like crazy; he was screaming something I only understood partially. But once he stopped and started looking at something in the other direction I followed his gaze too. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing”_

_“The ground shook viciously and the sky seemed like it was being torn apart by massive ravenous claws. Sam was trying to make me stand but I fell down every time I tried, I was so stunned by the encounter that I didn’t have any strength left inside of me once I saw it. The birds were flying in messed up circles in the blood filled sky and all of them kept flying into each other, they were screaming. Literally screaming for their life and I couldn’t fathom any of it. Sam carried me into the woods and he kept telling me to ‘hang on’, but as I kept on staring a sudden boom had erupted from somewhere. I looked at the sky and saw the moon completely eradicate itself from the cloudless sky; the birds that flew above fell down as if the moon had sucked the life out of them and took them with it. Sam kept turning back and looking at the scene but he refused to stop running in the other direction. The next thing I knew we were blinded by this massive light that caught up to us in no time, and the ringing in my ears was amplified, and maybe several hours later when I woke up Sammy was nearby, fainted as well. And the moment I looked up I knew that the earth felt deceased than I had ever felt it, and I knew that our days were finally done.”_

Castiel watched as Dean held in his rugged breaths as he finished his story, he could feel the horrified state Dean had described and he wanted to slap himself for asking him this question. Dean sniffed and stood upright once more and continued towards his destination, Castiel watched him from behind and felt pity for the man that carried the whole world on his shoulders. Was there even more to his heartbreaking story than he had imagined? Castiel wondered as he followed slowly behind him. His thoughts were beginning to muddle up in his head as he stared downwards, the tip of his boots were beginning to peel off and it felt as if the soles were partially loose as well, he was drowning himself with excessive thoughts after Dean’s story and he felt like he lost all of the courage he had stored up for his journey.

_**Why couldn’t he remember anything that happened to him? And why did Dean have to go through this suffering alone, did he not deserve any of his own scornful memories of the collapse?** _

**“CASTIEL, LOOK OUT!”**

Dean’s scream had reached him too late, and he had reacted even slowly. The next thing Castiel felt was an agonizing throb in his disordered head, and the heavy guilt that burdened him in his heart. 

*******************************************************

Dean’s breaths kept accumulating in the dampness that existed inside the cloth over his head, the sounds of opening and closing gates kept inundating through his damaged ears, and his fear was taking over him again. 

“Winchester, the boss will be delighted to see you” A brisk and douche bag like voice appeared towards his right side, Dean panted rapidly as he started to shake himself off from the boney hands that tried to grab him. His captors were clearly annoyed by his constant struggle and one of them landed a big blow to one of his jaws to settle him down, Dean ended up absorbing the wretched stench of the cloth along with the blood from his mouth, he felt his body be lifted by the back of his tied arms and his feet began to sag along the dusty ground. His head was pounding again by the excessive pressure by the blow; he knew he had no other way of escaping as long as he was blindfolded. And what’s even worse in this case was that he didn’t know who he was dealing with in the first place. As the men dragged him along the ground Dean could hear whispers and snickers the moment he passed by someone near him.

_“That’s the guy? You gotta be shitting me”_

_“This is the guy that hurt the boss?”_

_“No, no it was the other guy that was with him that hurt the boss”_

_“Where’s that giant that comes complimentary with this meal?”_

_“Nah, he came along with some new pretty boy this time”_

_“I wonder if we’ll get a bite of him this time”_

_“Bite? Hell I’m gonna tear him apart and feed on his organs in front of him”_

Vampires. Definitely vamps. 

The chuckling and constant gossiping was starting to piss him off and he started grinding his teeth under the cloth, he was desperately trying to get a piece of it in his mouth in order to tear it up a bit but before he attempted anything he was suddenly thrown to the ground and he ended up biting his tongue in vain. “Special delivery” another foreign voice announced and the whole crowd erupted in laughter.

“Well, well, well… Long time no see, the great Dean Winchester is finally on his knees!”

Dean was glad his face was hidden for the time being, he could feel the panic rising up in his throat and he swore to himself that he knew the person speaking to him currently. Who the hell was it?

The ‘boss’ ordered one of his minions to take off the cloth from Dean’s head, the friction against his skin and the cloth left a burning sensation in its spot and Dean winced internally by the forced contact. He started blinking his eyes rapidly at the sudden light that entered them, through his blurry sight he could make out a few torches being lit up and a lot of people dressed strictly in black. He licked his lips and stared at the man in front of him a few steps away. He wore some run down leather pants with some second grade quality boots to match it; his grey undershirt was slightly torn from its neck line as he tried to cover it up with several necklaces that hung around his thick neck, the chains and random trinkets jingled as he placed his head in his pale bare hands. The sinister brightness in his eyes had brought back several not so fond memories and Dean found himself holding back a growl.

“Luther, was it?” Dean replied as he twitched momentarily while he made himself somewhat comfortable on the ground, Luther pushed himself off of his throne and gave out a hearty laugh. He made a few steps towards Dean, laughing as he did, and threw him off with a jolting kick to his shoulder. Dean fell to the ground, slightly paralyzed by the sudden contact and coughed uncontrollably as he hit his head on the dry floor, the crowd went nuts and hooted and hollered from the back.

“Oh, so you do remember me? I wonder if you’ll remember this too!” and with his sentence he kicked Dean once more, but this time in the stomach. The persistent throbbing began to rise in his gut and Dean was coughing hysterically and failing miserably to breathe in some air. “You see, isn’t it nice when you reunite? I really wish I could thank you personally for everything you did for me and my nest in particular. Especially your dad” Luther pushed the hair from his face and saw the rage beginning to build up inside Dean “I honestly couldn’t believe the words that came out of my soldiers mouths! They kept on claiming that **Dean- fucking- Winchester** was here, and what’s best of all? That they were able to **capture** him! I honestly couldn’t believe the words until I was able to see you for myself. And well, look at what we have here…” Luther continued his speech as he walked circles around him. Dean was choking on his own blood before he managed to pick himself up from the ground, spitting out the excess blood as he did. He glared at Luther and tilted his head slightly, clearly showing him his tough side “Alright, alright cheap David Bowie, can you cut to the chase already? I’m kinda on a time limit”. Luther stared at Dean and gave him a sarcastic smile as he continued.

“All those years ago when you and your so called father took my life and my nest I never thought I’d be opening my eyes again once more. Ever since this so called incident that happened 6 years ago and I crawled out of the darkness I’ve been thirsting for revenge, on finding you Winchesters and getting rid of you for good. Claiming I’d bury all of your rotting corpses ten… No! Twenty feet under…”

Dean listened with a clearly uninterested look on his face as he waited for the ‘boss’ to finish his yapping.

,p>  
“Well, I guess it’s your **dad** who’s in the ground instead of me this time. One down, two more Winchesters to go” He sneered and everyone gagged and wrecked their lungs by laughing consistently and Dean could feel a numbing fire burning at the pit of his stomach, he remained unfazed, completely un shook by the banter and rowdy atmosphere. Luther could sense the difference that resided inside of him, and he knew that he could take advantage of the scenario even more. “Oh? No reaction to that? Well maybe this will bring back the old Winchester flame in you” He ushered towards one of his men and he instantly ran through the small crowd to fulfill his deed. Dean was already letting the moment elongate so that he could make up a plan for his escape, but how was he going to find a way out of here?

_Wait, So that He could escape?_

“Here’s your surprise!” Luther exclaimed as his minion came back, dragging something along with him. 

_Castiel._ Dean unconsciously felt himself shake when he saw the guard drag a fainted Castiel along with him. He threw his docile body across the floor and watched Luther place a few gentle caresses with his foot. Castiel was blinking slowly but he didn’t open his eyes, Luther’s feet kept pushing him to and fro until Castiel’s head tilted downwards. 

Dean could see a vibrant bite mark on Castiel’s neck, constantly pounding and pulsating in front of him. He felt something crack inside of him as he started to shiver by the encounter, he felt himself redden by the abhorring sight and he shuffled onto his feet and rammed himself into Luther’s chest as he was distracted by laughing too much. The crowd shuffled back and went mad by the entertainment they were having and Dean kept bashing his head into Luther’s ribs, trying to damage him somehow for all of the bullshit he was spewing. His guards came and grabbed him moments later and Luther was still recovering from his laughing fit “Take him and his boyfriend to one of the cages, I’ll make sure we make good use of the both of them for the long run” He snickered as he licked his lips nonchalantly. Dean was being dragged by a massive hand clutching on his jacket while the other hand dragged Castiel from the back of his collar. Dean felt his eyes burn when he was closer to Castiel and saw the mark on his neck, a colossal guilt began to erupt inside him.

“I’m sure you’ll be reuniting with your father very, very soon Dean”

******************************************************************************

The bars of the rusty cage kept stinging as Dean made contact with them, the trees grew tall over their heads and Dean sat solemnly under them. The night felt eerily cold underneath his skin and he sighed quietly as he rubbed the dirt off of his hands. Castiel was lying across him, still unconscious by his encounter as he shuffled slightly in his dazed condition; Dean’s eyes softened at the sight of him, seeing him wounded this way he was reminded of all of the people who ended up getting hurt, it was all because of him, he bitterly claimed. Dean stared at the man who was guarding his miniature cell, he kept on moving back and forth in five minute intervals, and Dean felt like he was spiraling into a massive anger fit once more as the guard grinned at him slyly.

“Unh…” Castiel moaned quietly as he tried turn his body in another direction, Dean instantly responded to his movement and he brought his face closer to his “Hey, Hey Cas? It’s me. We’re gonna get out of this place okay?” Dean hushed, relieved by the fact that he wasn’t alone. Castiel still didn’t respond and he just continued breathing with his eyes closed “You have to take me to Sammy okay? I won’t let you die on me” Dean gently caressed his face and felt his pulse on his non scarred neck. It felt slower than normal and Dean hoped that he would make it through a few more hours. While the guard moved towards the other direction for his usual round Dean tried to support Castiel by placing his hand on his back. While Dean was doing that he got distracted by a solid object underneath, after looking around making sure no one was watching him Dean traced his hand on Castiel’s back until he found the object inside. It was the blade he used when they were in the city.

_The damn son of bitch must’ve hidden it when he was being fed on, how the hell did they not manage to find this?_

Dean gave off a small laugh as he felt himself burn up internally, he knew exactly what to do.

Dean traced the blade’s sharp end clean across the palm of his hand and he felt the familiar sting begin to emerge, the blood trickled off of his shaking hand and he hid the blade in the backside of his jeans before the guard could catch his scent and come by. Dean pressed on his wound with his dirty fingertips and he allowed the blood to ooze out more in a smoother fashion. Within moments the guard came back rotating his nostrils constantly like a hound dog. Dean could see the thirst the vamp had for the blood and he knew he wanted it bad, Dean pretended to be in pain and he groaned as he held his stomach and lied in a fetal position on the ground “I’m hurt, I need a medic before I end up bleeding out… please…” Dean pleaded.

“I’ll get you to the damn medic, once I have just a small ounce from you…” the bearded man drew in closer as he opened the gate and shuffled towards Dean, the moment he felt him closing in on his nape Dean stopped whimpering and dragged the blade out.

**“No one is getting any ounce from me today”**

Dean stabs the man through his throat and allows the blade to protrude out the other side. The vampire is gagging and vomiting out heaps of his own blood as his pupils dilate improperly, Dean knows he’s not done for yet so he grabs the other end of the blade and drags it over the rest of his throat. He could see the separated trachea touch his fingers as the blood came gushing out of him, the guard continued to cough as he filled Dean’s arms with a shade of crimson, Dean remained in his tranquil state as he waited for the man to stop reacting and finally be taken out of his misery. The moment he stopped moving Dean cleaned his blade by rubbing it on the guard’s clothes and he slowly made it out of the cage; Dean stumbled on a few rocks and sticks until he placed himself behind a large oak tree, the burning sensation in his hand still commenced but he knew he needed to find a way out of the woods. And fast.

If his memory served him right Dean noticed the small amount of people Luther had gathered up for his nest up to this point, if he was strong enough he may as well would’ve challenged them to a battle to the death. Luckily the blood from the vamp may be able to keep him from being detected too soon, at least for now. Dean looked around in anticipation as he heard a slight shuffling by the bushes nearby, he got ready to attack but was luckily thrown off once the two guards rushed towards the opposite direction, ignoring his shadow completely. He could sense a strange air about them and he followed them at a fair distance. The guards reached a place within the middle grounds of their base where a fire pit and a few bags were laid out. Dean hid in the bushes and watched carefully as he saw Luther approach the grounds as well. 

“Where’s Arthur?” Someone from the crowd spoke up all of a sudden. 

“He’s watching over the Winchester kid and his new comrade” A husky voice responded. 

“Let him be there, the last thing we need is another Winchester escaping” Luther commented as he stood nervously inside the crowd’s circle. 

_Too late, douche bag._

__“So is it true what you saw Hailey?” A young tanned boy spoke to one of the newly converts in the group, she was grabbing the ends of her shirt and she was shivering in place. “Ye-yes… I saw it. One of those… things” she replied after taking a few long breaths. Luther came towards her and placed a warm hand on her shoulder and pulled her face up from her chin “Are you sure your eyes didn’t deceive you Hailey?” he spoke with no emotion in his tone._ _

__She stared at him and gave no reply as she shook._ _

__Luther dug in his sharp nails into her cheeks and pulled her face up to his level, the thick seeps of blood painting his fingers and nails as he asked her once more, but with a lot more force “Did… you… fucking… see… an ** _Ijiraq_**?” _ _

__The girl began to nod in a haphazard fashion “Yes! Yes! I saw it…. I heard the whistling in my ear! I know! - pl- please…” she rambled continuously, Luther dropped her to the ground and wrapped his hands on the back of his head; Luther grunted aggressively and kicked a relatively large rock from the ground as his eyes bulged out from his skull. The group began murmuring, the horror and concern clearly written on their faces, Dean was distracted by the sudden rise in tension within the group but he continued to search of paths along the other side. Dean ended up discovering a pick up truck on the other side, just a few trees down; he focused on the tent nearby and he located Castiel’s backpack lying on one of the plastic tables inside. Dean knew he found a way out but he still needed to find the keys to the truck, he was suddenly worn out by thinking so much erratically._ _

__“Those things weren’t supposed to enter this place! Their kind exists in much colder regions than this! Maybe it was just a normal shape shifter!” A relatively older woman exclaimed as she held onto the hands of her companion “They’re not supposed to attack us any way! How is that even possible?” Everyone started to shuffle around in peril and huddled closer to each other as the conversation occurred._ _

__“We need to evacuate right now! If what Hailey says is true we need to leave in the truck NOW. Where are the keys God damn you?!” A brunette with a braid screamed as she rushed towards Luther without hesitation. “Arthur’s got the keys to the truck but we shouldn’t be planning our escape without a proper plan! We need to act fast before the demon comes here!” The husky voiced man erupted again._ _

___Bingo._ _ _

__Dean rushed towards the direction where his cage was and he fiddled with the pockets of the bloody corpse inside, he felt the keys jingle as he laced his finger around the chain and he chuckled almost maniacally. Castiel moaned again as he heard Dean and he got scared by his shadow, he tried to shuffle away at the sight of him and he winced in pain. Dean patted him lightly and smiled at him “Hey, hey it’s me… I’m getting you out of here so you need to be extremely quiet okay, Cas?” He calmed him down by rubbing his chest and Castiel just hummed and fainted again. Dean rolled his eyes and pulled him towards him; he lifted his limp body effortlessly and dashed towards the trees in order to sneak past the crowd. The sound of a screech made Dean stumble in his wake and he continued to run towards his destination. Dean blinked in a dumbfounded fashion as he saw the members of Luther’s nest scramble about from their meeting point, several others were running in the opposite direction as tears streamed down from their face.; he couldn’t understand what was happening across the field until his eyes grasped onto a strange figure appearing above the fire pit._ _

__The figure was slender, almost ink like. Dean couldn’t understand where the creature’s arms or legs were as he carried Castiel towards the tent, he felt like he made eye contact with the thing but he refused to look at it any longer and he carried on inside. Dean felt his heart rushing and pounding in his ears, he grabbed Castiel’s bag and his own, his weapons were scattered along the table and Dean ended up carrying everything that was there, regardless of the fact that not all of these items were his. Dean ended up leaving a spare machete on the table, you know, just in case the vamps decided to attack the thing in the fire. Dean heaved as he pushed forward and rushed out of the camp and towards the truck, he could still hear the incessant screams behind him as the vampires tried to flee from the monster that stretched out from the flames. Dean placed Castiel in the front seat as he pushed him inside. Dean pushed him further so that he could place himself at the driver’s seat and he tried to start the car but he kept fidgeting with the keys as he heard the menacing pleads and cries of Luther’s group. Dean managed to start up the truck in time and he found the courage in his heart to look up._ _

__The thing was upright, its body was almost ghost like transparent but still horrifyingly visible as it rose from the black pits of the fire. Its eyes were long and almost too wide for its face; its teeth were protruding out of its wide mouth as if the creature had a permanent deathly smile planted on its face._ _

__It’s horns rose up towards the sky in a swirl like fashion and the edges of it were insanely sharp and disturbing to look at, one of the girls, Hailey perhaps, was hanging off from one of the edges of those horns, only the sharp black bone went through her ribcage and came out from her throat, completely slashing the skin out from her small neck. It stretched out it’s deer like legs as it dragged some of its new victims along with it, they were still shaking and trying to pry themselves free from the creature’s clutches and Luther was within the beast’s vicious grasp. Dean felt the skin on his lips break open by the constant biting and he started the ignition without removing his eyes from the monster in front of him._ _

__At the sudden sound of the truck the monster suddenly jerked and stopped dragging its victims along with it. Dean was hesitant as he changed gears and rushed the truck in panic; he turned it around and started placing immense pressure on the pedal as he pushed through his unfathomable fear. Dean kept on driving as he looked at Castiel momentarily to see if he was still breathing. By bustling and ramming through the bushes and thick branches Dean finally found the road and started to speed up even more than before. Once he felt the dusty cold wind in his face and the pulse in his hands again he turned around to see how much distance he had covered between the nest and him. Dean was relieved to see that nothing was following him along as he kept on driving, he grinned at the sudden peace that surrounded him and he patted on Cas’ knee as he kept on driving towards the edge of the road where the hills began to appear._ _

____

__Dean heard a strange whistling in his ear; he paid it no heed and focused on making it through the night with the ample amount of gas in the truck._ _

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I was really looking forward to this chapter in particular! I hope the hype is real and that I'm getting better at this! Hope you're enjoying it this far :3   
> The number of chapters have increased and I will be updating them soon!


	5. Log 5.0: Awakening

The ripples in the water was invigorating once you kept staring at it, the tiny pebbles and rocks acted like a crunchy yet soft sheet on the river floor, each stone held in a different shape and color; dark, light, Smokey dark and some even pitch black. The dim light that escaped the dead sky was falling onto Castiel’s sleepy face as he lay down on the ground; the sudden atmosphere had kept Castiel even more dozed off than usual and even as he had his eyes closed he knew that he was just stuck in one of his eventful dreams again. He slowly opened his eyes and marveled at the beautiful scenery that invaded them, before he could fully appreciate the setting he felt a sudden painful stretch on his neck. Without giving out a huge grunt he started placing his hand on the wound and instead felt a neat bandage wrapped around it. Castiel was so dazed by his sleep that it took him a while to realize there was actually a bandage there, after his consciousness returned to him he kept touching the bandage constantly in horror.

“What the hell? Why would…”

Oh.

_Oh._

Castiel sighed over his constant drabble and finally let the bandage fall in place, it was a little tight on him but he knew how well it was wrapped, the person actually made sure that it wasn’t too tight so that the patient was able to breathe and…

“DEAN!” He announced as he fell out of his sleeping bag and walked around without his shoes, his feet were started to get enraptured by the muddy surface around the river but he continued on walking. He turned around to see the items that were scattered around his sleeping bag, all of them identifiable. He knew he wasn’t too far off from their camp.

He decided to stay quiet this time, knowing fully well that anyone could hear him so he held onto his loose clothes and carried on. The aura around this place was grey like everything else around him, but somehow this place was much more serene and adaptable, Castiel mused as he walked carefully and tried not to slip. He took in the air and its dampness and felt completely immersed; he hasn’t felt this level of peace in years, he smiled. Castiel’s eyes continued to wander until his gaze fell onto a recognizable back at the edge of the river. Dean had placed his hands inside the running water and he was rubbing his face tirelessly; a few drops of different colors began to fall in the river one by one. Castiel grew cautious, he wondered if Dean was hurt or fatally wounded. Before Castiel could approach him Dean let out a huge sigh and instinctively he hid behind a tree, alarmed. He took in a deep breath and started to peek at him from behind his hiding spot and just decided to wait this one out, he didn’t want to bother him in this moment, he thought. Dean started stripping off his jacket which was also severely covered in blood stains, his arms were toned quite nicely regardless of the current lazy condition he was portraying, he was disgusted by the excruciatingly large stains on his clothes and he tore off his t shirt as he groaned. Castiel watched him dip his clothes into the river and try to scrub the blood out somehow, his bare back was so robust and well sculpted as he arched downwards, the skin looked agonizingly smooth even for a man his age, how did he manage to keep his body that way even with the conditions they lived in? Dean kept dipping his jacket and his shirt in the water until he finally grew tired and stopped completely. The majority of the stains were out of his clothes and Dean held them out in front of him until he just shrugged and laid them out, he stood up and watched the water for a while until Castiel herd a sound of a zip being opened.

Shit.

Dean started to slide out of his jeans and he revealed his long and – of course- toned legs. The small hair on his legs stood up as it made contact with the coldness around it and Dean felt relaxed as he stood there almost naked. Castiel knew that this was the part where he should most probably head back to camp and just pretend to sleep again.

But he stayed.

He felt so guilty and disgusted by his actions but he was so intrigued by watching Dean be normal for once and he finally got to see a side of him that he wasn’t fortunate enough to see himself. Dean began to take a few steps inside the river until he finally submerged himself completely, Castiel stood behind the tree, concerned whether Dean did that consciously or whether he was doing something else completely. Castiel looked at the river and decided that it wasn’t really deep enough to drown in, or fast enough to die in so he stepped back and started to walk back to camp. He felt a strange glow start to erupt inside his own stomach and he could feel how swollen his face was once he woke up, he suddenly also realized how starving he was and he was still unaware of what exactly happened to them a few hours back. TOO MANY QUESTIONS CASTIEL, CALM DOWN.

Castiel drifted off again and placed his hand on of the dry barks of a tree nearby for support; once he looked up he felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

Dean was standing in his boxer briefs, bending over one of his back packs and rummaging through it, all the while completely dripping wet. He was completely unfazed by how casual Castiel was walking back and he looked at him with a playful smile plastered on his face. “Enjoyed the show, you perv?” He joked as he took out a new pair of jeans and a shirt from the large portion of his bag. Castiel was still horrified and he was completely unable to move, he honestly thought of pretending to faint again. Dean stood upright and still looked at Castiel, still expecting a response it seems. His breathing was so steady and his chest moved up and down so gracefully, the strange pentagram tattoo fit between his shoulder and his neck so well and Castiel felt so invigorated by the sight. His abs was still prominent but it showed lightly under his skin and his thighs were the perfect shape that complimented his body excruciatingly well.

Damn, maybe I should become a hunter too; Castiel awed as he blatantly stared at Dean’s body. Dean was actually starting to get petrified by his stares and his expressions suddenly changed with the moment. His eyes widened and he smacked his lips as he started to draw himself closer to Castiel. Castiel finally got out of his daze and realized that Dean was approaching him, out of fear he positioned himself in a defensive stance before Dean could get any closer. Looking at Castiel Dean clearly looked annoyed and he smacked his arms away and placed his hand on his neck and started rubbing his thumb on the bandage.

Oh, the bandage. Castiel drew out a breath and calmed himself after he realized that Dean was just inspecting his injury.

“Does it hurt?” Dean asked as he looked into Castiel’s awkward gaze.

“No, not so much”

“Do you feel anything strange in your body? Any kind of pain anywhere?”

“No…”

“Oh. Well that’s good”

And at that moment Dean flicked on Castiel’s forehead and he caught him by surprise, the pain was almost non existent but Castiel was completely stunned by the behavior Dean portrayed in his naked form.

“Now if you ever sneak up on me and stare like that again I will end you, you understand?” He warned him as he held his clothes near to his chest and walked towards one of the dirty tents near Castiel’s sleeping bag “And go clean yourself too, I promise I wont gawk at you like some idiot” He commented as he poked his head out one last time. Castiel felt the palm of his hands grease up by his excessive sweating and he pouted unconsciously by the sudden scolding, he knew he was acting so childish but he just couldn’t help it. He walked towards his own back pack and took out another one of his t-shirts and one of his somewhat comfortable jeans; he still wished that he had an extra pair of shoes though. That suddenly reminded him, where were his god damn shoes?! He turned around vigorously in search of them and found them placed neatly outside the tent, he pouted even more before he speed walked over to the spot where Dean was bathing himself.

Asshole, he whispered once he walked off.

************************************************** 

Dean stretched his legs as he lied on top of the sleeping bag comfortably, the fire near his stiff body made a numbing warmth spread through his muscles and he was enjoying every moment of it. He shuffled slightly and turned his head towards his left and saw a dozed off Castiel in his sleeping bag, almost infant like in his clean clothes.

_What happened to you before all of this?_

Dean managed to bandage his wound again, making completely sure that he wasn’t turned, but thankfully Castiel confirmed that the vamps were clearly using him as a blood bag, not trying to convert him in any way. He grinned at the memory of how much Castiel winced at the contact of the cream and antiseptic medicine Dean had applied several hours before, his grin faded away and he watched the small fire instead, the pit was poorly constructed and the fire wasn’t as massive as he’d hoped, but being near such a small blaze made Dean feel much safer, especially after what he had encountered back at the nest. His gut twisted inside and he felt some bile accumulating at the back of his throat, why was he hindered so easily?

Dean started to think about something else; he closed his thoughts completely and started anew, a new canvas on his easel. He thought of the food in his stomach, the heavy chirps of the invisible crickets, he thought of Led Zeppelin’s ‘Stairway to Heaven’, he brainstormed the theories of how his favorite character wasn’t dead on his favorite show.

He thought of Sam.

As much as he tried to think of something else, Sam was the only factor that existed in all of them. Music? Car rides with Sammy. Food? Restaurant pickups with Sammy. T.V shows? Watching with Sammy on that laptop in the bunker. Dean felt tense, even more nauseas than before as he felt his eyes twitching uncontrollably, he bit his lip and pressed the palm of his hand on his eyes and gasped as quietly as he could. Tears were welling up and his chest felt so hollow than it did before, it felt as if he rammed a machete through his stomach and left it there. As his bruises and chest started to throb after keeping his cries within himself, Dean gradually became composed and he rubbed the tears off of his cheeks. The sudden sound of Castiel’s moans echoed and Dean was startled by his voice, he turned around on his sleeping bag and watched him wide eyed, hopefully not looking miserable at all. Castiel pursed his lips and opened his eyes slightly, the medicine still resided in his bloodstream it seems, Dean mused. Castiel gave a warm smile and his eyes were fully open, his skin looked more colorful and full of life than it did a few hours ago.

“I remembered something” Castiel spoke in a sluggish tone; Dean raised his eyebrow and listened intently.

“Yeah? And what is that?”

“You- you called me Cas…” He answered instantly as he began to squint in Dean’s direction.

Dean continued to watch him and was confused whether he had called him that or not, his mind was too occupied to even remember the things he said “Hmm, maybe I did. I guess” Dean recollected as he watched Castiel shuffle around in his bag “You didn’t like it?”

Castiel looked at him lazily and his gaze wavered to and fro, the comfort in his eyes was quite inviting and Dean pressed himself even further into his bag.

“No… I’ve just never had someone call me that before”

“Oh. So what did people call you then? I could say those if you want” Dean smacked his lips as he kept looking at Castiel and his rising chest.

“Scum. Wise ass. Dumb ass. Shit head. Bastard” Castiel went on and on and on until Dean chuckled and told him to shut up. They remained quiet after that and they felt themselves be drifted away by the slow wind and the warmth of the small fire that separated them. Castiel turned and looked at Dean and noticed an icy cold look in his eyes, he was fully aware that something had happened back in the nest, because escaping it seemed impossible at the point. He grabbed the end of his jean’s pocket and he dove right in, regretting it even before he said anything.

“Dean, something happened back there didn’t it? Back at the crazy twilight zone?”

No response.

“You may think that I was unconscious, and honestly I was. But I heard the screams Dean. The least you can do is tell me if there is a threat, so that I can prepare myself when the time comes. Which is hopefully never” Castiel spoke squeamishly, he awaited for his response. Dean closed his eyes in agitation and gave out a large sigh, but surprisingly he answered much quickly than he had assumed.

“Cas, it wasn’t pretty what I saw. Some weird ass monster came out from the fire pit, it was literally something Lucifer could have created in his spare time” Dean gestured with his hands to show how much it creeped him out, Castiel felt panicky all of a sudden but since he dug his own grave he was going to go through with it “It was like a distorted deer like… weird ass bear like… I can’t even describe it” Dean gave up as he stopped with his description and stared at Castiel with the same disbelief “It just emerged and killed everyone, just for the heck of it. I heard the vamps freaking out over it, they called it an Ijiraq. Now what the hell is that?” Dean swallowed hard and his Adam’s apple bobbed disapprovingly, Castiel was tongue tied by his description and he didn’t know what to say.

“Well?!” Dean bounced as Castiel still continued to remain quiet.

“I’m kind of freaking out, if you don’t mind” Castiel whispered as he looked left and right constantly as his paranoia took over him instantly, Dean’s wide eyes softened and looked at him with a kind gaze, almost too familiar to him. He strangely felt stronger now, knowing that he wasn’t alone in this. The fear of the unknown was slowly fading away and Dean amused himself with Castiel’s fear struck expressions. Castiel noticed Dean’s stares and he started to blush, instead of talking any further he hid his face further into his sleeping bag until his scalp was the only thing that was visible.

“You said you wouldn’t let my ass die, and I don’t intend on dying anytime soon until I find answers. Deer monster or not” Castiel spoke as his voice came out all muffled underneath the plastic cover, Dean kept on staring at his shaking head and gave out a small laugh until he turned the other way. He felt so panicky over nothing, this moment of resolving a conflict reminded him of so many problems him and Sam faced when they were hunting, for years they managed to cheat death and punch it in the face, regardless of how desirable it seemed at the time. Sam and Dean managed to find a way, always. He thought of Castiel, and he wondered whether he has something to protect again in his life.

He smiled at the memory of his brother, and he whispered under his breath that he didn’t want these memories to be the only thing he has on this earth, he wanted his brother back.

_Just hold out a little longer Sam, I’m not giving up just yet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for being so late with this! Stupid reality bit me in the ass and I had to finish my duties, I promise I'll finish the first part of this series soon! 
> 
> I hope you guys are liking it so far! Thank you for your patience! <3 :)


	6. Log 1.0: Since you've been gone

He stood near a brittle looking tree and he slowly caressed the stuffed dirty carry on bag with his thumb, he sighed at the grayness of the earth and the constant fear he felt in his heart, he pursed his lips and stomped his foot onto a small rock and before he could grind his teeth even further and stomp again out of sheer boredom he heard a voice call him out.

“Sam! Come on! I think I’ve found the market”

Sam stopped his foot midway and turned around, he looked at his brother’s hands and watched where he was pointing and he started to walk towards it without hesitation. Dean was carrying two larger bags similar to Sam’s, and the items inside it seemed relatively more valuable and heavier. Sam blew some of the hair from his eyes and sighed as he walked on behind, Dean heard his melancholic breath and twisted his head around to speak.

“Sam, hey I know this isn’t anything new for us but once we reach the market we’ll be able to trade in for something good. Just think of all the good stuff we can get in order to make this shithole somewhat better” He grinned as he pulled onto the strap of his bag over his shoulder.

“Like canned beans? Again?” Sam conjectured as he wore a sad smile on his lips, Dean’s eyes narrowed and he stuck out his tongue with pure disgust written on his face.  
“Okay, maybe not again but let’s just hope there are like…canned potatoes or something. Are there canned potatoes?” Dean asked with a strange witty confidence in his voice. Sam chuckled over his insight on canned potatoes and he didn’t want to crush Dean’s hopes by telling him he was wrong. Sam just nodded and smiled and Dean watched him questioningly until he was satisfied by his answer and turned his head back the way it was. Sam tightened his grip on the bags and walked a little faster behind Dean, towering over him completely.

The market they usually visited consisted of approximately four or five stalls by guys who were willing to trade their items for yours, at a valuable price of course. Sam and Dean often visited this place, but only when it was necessary; and this time they were hoping they could trade in their stuff for some food and some weapons. Dean always located some abandoned warehouses in the area, some would be practically empty and many would be too suspicious to enter, he believed that playing it safe would be the best option ever since the collapse, even though as Sam remembered, Dean was always the one who was willing to take risks in order to survive.

Luckily they ended up scavenging a lot of random items, cutlery, silver, a small abandoned church also had some useful items and Sam and Dean scrubbed those places clean, Sam hated every bit of it, but he knew how necessary it was to the both of them. The tradesmen are usually looking forward to the items they brought because they were one of the only hunters that managed to survive after the incident. In many instances Sam would end up discussing how they could run away from all of this, just managing to collect as much as they could and just escape, but Dean would usually glare at him or just remain silent in the process. Sam still feels the sting he felt then whenever he manages to make eye contact with him.

They walked casually towards the small gathering, there were relatively more people here this time around and Sam looked around in a hurry and worried whether they were too late for the trade. Dean took a sharp turn towards the left and Sam stumbled behind as he bit his lip impatiently, Dean gestured towards a man in his 40’s wearing a brown cardigan over his large belly, the man recognized them and started to walk towards his table underneath his tent.

“The Winchester boys! You still aren’t dead I see! Ha-ha!” He bounced as he shook Sam and Dean’s hands. Sam always cringed internally whenever this man spoke and he was actually holding back the urge to repeat what he said. Dean smiled his fake yet believable smile and chuckled at the bouncing man’s greeting “Glad that we’re still in business eh?” Dean joked and the man erupted with laughter, once he was done with his usual fill of funny he started to eye the bags that they had brought and Dean placed his on the worn out wooden table and showed his collectibles by opening its zipper slightly. The man, Toby was his name; Sam recollected, was eyeing it very closely and cautiously. He started to scoff and the disbelief in his eyes was getting on Sam’s nerves, Sam placed his bag onto the table and stood behind Dean, mentally preparing himself for Toby’s loud voice to appear. Sam turned his head slightly and he noticed that some of the customers and the tradesmen were beginning to look towards them; Sam assumed that they might know of them and he felt paranoid by their strange stares. The stupid man brought this attention by his damn voice, Sam grunted as he eyed Dean angrily. Dean looked at him back and apologetically nodded in response, Sam took a breath and let it slide, once he heard the guy start rambling and complimenting their skills Sam took it as a sign to roam around, he knew that Dean was in for an earful. Sam shoved his hands in his pockets and walked solemnly through the crowd and the small gathering, he heard a few women collected in a corner whispering and discussing about their children and their health, Sam felt hurt after hearing their soft dry voices and he decided to focus elsewhere. He watched the stalls and the items the tradesmen were selling, he noticed a few that actually did catch his eye and it didn’t seem like they carried any diseases either, like a Swiss army knife with a decent looking brown leather holster and a toolbox with only some of the tools present. He noticed some of the canned goods they were trading and many of them smelled vile even from the distance Sam was standing in, a few steps later he was stumbling out of the occupied land and rather than stopping he pressed further on.

He was fully aware that he was drifting a little farther but he knew he didn’t have to wander off, and since it would take a while for Dean to pry himself away from his buddy he decided to spend some time with himself. He wore a genuine smile and he let it remain there as he placed his back on a tree and slowly slid down. A small puddle was present a few steps away and Sam let himself get lost into its muddy beauty, he combed his hair with his free hand and he dragged it along his chin and scratched it enthusiastically. He felt so comfortable in his spot he felt no regret in abandoning his brother, he giggled at the thought and pitied Dean.

His stomach grumbled and he felt sad once more.

Every time Sam had the chance to think freely, his head felt emptier much more than it should. Back when their lives were somewhat simpler-although it mostly consisted of a lot of things they do now- Sam would occupy himself with his belongings, his memories, his books, and the internet (My God how much I miss the internet!) but now all of those things just seem obsolete. All there is left for him to think is whether he’ll be waking up tomorrow or not; strangely enough Dean’s scolding seems to have no effect on him anymore. Sam poked his finger into the tethered threads of his jeans and ran his finger along the thick ruined patterns slowly until he jolted in his spot, someone was walking by.

“I’m telling you to stop following me!”  
A short muscular man wearing a chic yet old looking indigo coat shouted as he kept power walking in the other direction, another skinny man-probably in his twenties- ran towards him with his fists in the air, his expressions appeared to be of distress and rage. Sam managed to hide behind the tree he laid his back on, but he wasn’t fully confident whether it was able to cover him properly, he remained quiet as he listened. “Carowley you piece of shit! You said that these trinkets would work and I want an answer as to why you sold me this junk!” the boy shouted as he threw an unidentified object and hit it straight on the back of the other man’s head. Crowley stood there unresponsive for several seconds until he turned around to face his customer “Firstly, my name is CROWLEY, eh? And Secondly, I bloody told you the trinket was a complete 50/50 chance! You are either able to shield yourself from its powers or you DON’T, it all depends on the person that possesses it!” Crowley answered angrily as he held in the urge to punch him.

_It? What are they talking about?_

“You son of a- I told you how important it was for me to find that monster! You knew how much my life was at risk and you still lied about it!” the boy bit his quivering lips as he hid his eyes with his shaking hand, Sam could hear his tiny sobs as he fell to the ground and Crowley stood in front of him completely unfazed, annoyed by his reaction. “It took her memories, I just wanted to kill it for what it did to her” he mumbled as he managed to look at Crowley “That trinket was supposed to be powerful, it was supposed to help me fix everything”. Crowley stared at him for some time before he started to walk in the other direction, the boy sniffed as he stared into the ground with his lifeless eyes.

“I’m sorry for your loss, but like I said, the amulet will only respond to the person it belongs to. I warned you of the consequences but you were too blind to even consider how much you’ll end up losing” Crowley responded in a soft tone as he carried on. The man stared at his back and sat on the ground from his tired condition, he held onto the trinket in his hand and stared at it some more, he held absolute hatred for the item in his possession and Sam felt chills in his spine as he watched. The man let out a tormented scream and he threw the trinket towards Sam’s direction, but it ended up splashing in the puddle near him, Sam closed his eyes and held in his breath until he heard the muffled sobs and the man’s dragging feet fade away. He opened his eyes that stung for a strange reason and he dared to take a look, he turned his head and noticed that the man was gone. He blew a sigh of relief and started to move away, but a sudden thought had taken control of his mind and body.

He hesitated at first, but then he decided to take a leap of faith. He walked towards the brown puddle and gazed at the trinket floating above, Sam’s eyes widened at the sight and he pulled the jewel out, it almost felt like his body was acting on its own.

“This… this is-“

“Sam?! Where the hell are you?”

Dean’s voice began to echo through the trees and Sam was pushed out of his mindscape, he shook his head and shoved the trinket into his pocket, slightly disgusted by its muddy exterior. He dusted off the dirt from his pants and started running towards the source of Dean’s voice and tried to calm his beating heart.

I think I know what I have to do.

************************************ 

“Sam, that’s enough”

Dean pouted as he polished his gun forcefully on the wooden table, Sam stood beside him stiffly, grasping onto the necklace as it swung around aimlessly. “Dean, I’m not asking you to just go head on, but I just want us to go and ask that Crowley guy what else we cou-“

Dean stood up abruptly and walked towards Sam with his eyes blazing viciously; Sam held his ground and straightened his back, after all his height was his advantage point.  
“Sam, that damn thing was a gift you gave me when you were 8, and that is all. There is no hoodoo bullshit in that thing, and there never was, alright?” Dean spoke as he pointed towards the hand Sam held the necklace in, Sam was unmoved and he gritted his teeth before he let Dean speak again.

“Dean, I just want you to try okay? I’m not asking for much. Please?”

Dean hesitated, his stance was still aggressive, but after Sam’s plea he softened his gaze and sighed. He placed his hand in front of him and Sam beamed internally, he placed the necklace in Dean’s palm and he took and few steps back and waited patiently. Dean played with the trinket in his hand and stared at it cautiously, as if he knew something would happen if he wasn’t careful enough. He closed his eyes and laced his thumb around the black leather chain and slid his head through it, the small trinket chinked as it brushed against Dean’s neck. Once he wore it Sam crossed his arms and waited in one corner of the shack.

They both waited.

And waited.

And waited.

“Sam…”

Damn it, Sam breathed quietly.

“This is bullshit, like I said. Nothing. Is. Happening”

“That’s the point! You have to be near the thing and it’ll respond or something! That’s why I’m saying we should ask Crowley wha-“

“Sam, I have had it with this crap and I don’t want to hear any more of it” Dean scowled as he took the amulet off and placed it on the table near his gun and the oiled cloth. He sat down on his tiny stool and resumed his gun polishing activity, Sam called out to him but Dean didn’t respond. Sam blinked; frustrated by his brother’s antics he swallowed his anger and forced himself to be calm, he walked towards Dean’s back and placed his hand on the top of the table, dragging the amulet along with him. He shrugged and walked towards his chambers silently.

“Sam”

He stopped.

“I’m sorry. Bu- but I just want you to understand that…”

Sam remained silent, waiting for Dean’s reply.

“I can’t risk this. I can’t risk you, not anymore. Okay?

Sam felt his insides melt as he heard the sincerity in Dean’s voice; he turned his head slightly but didn’t make eye contact in the process.

“I know” He nodded, and walked back into his room.

*********************************

Dean’s coughing resonated in their tiny abode, straining Sam’s ears in the process. He watched his brother struggle to keep his feet on the ground as he walked around aimlessly looking for some of the items he found from one of his excavations. Sam stared at him, eyebrows raised as he grew curious as to how long he’ll pretend that he’s not unwell. 

“Dean…” Sam intervened as Dean refused to give up “Just stop it before you hurt yourself”

“Shut the hell up I’m fi-“Dean hacked as he tried to calm himself, he was growing unstable by the second and Sam rushed towards him and held him near. Dean struggled to get out of his grasp but Sam grabbed him from behind and carried him to his mattress, he threw him-almost gently- on the springy mess and glared at him lividly. Dean swallowed hard and tears were erupting from his eyes, he was definitely unwell.

“Dean, your fever’s getting out of control and you need to lie down for a couple of hours!” Sam complained as he stood with his hands on his hips.

Dean eyed him shamelessly, and started to get up before Sam pushed him over with his foot, appalled by his behavior Dean opened his mouth only to be taken over by his lethargy, Dean groaned into the mattress and gave up completely, beads of sweat appeared on his forehead and he started to mumble sentences, well, tried to at least.

“Listen, I’ll go do it for you this time. I’ll just trade these in and get what we need, okay?”

Dean groaned.

“I’ll bear that loud asshole instead of you. So you owe me, big time” Sam responded to his unconscious brother and he sighed. “I’ll get you some soup too; hopefully they’ll be in stock” Sam chuckled over how maternal like his words seemed. He strapped the bag on his shoulder and he took Dean’s pistol, without asking of course.

_He won’t mind._

Sam took one last glance towards his sleeping brother and he left the room, closing the door softly behind him.

“Oh! Well if it isn’t the young Winchester! Put her there!” Toby guffawed as he took Sam’s hand and tugged on it. 

_Cringe._

He started his usual rambling once more, strangely he had more questions about Dean rather than the items themselves and it pissed Sam even more. Sam wanted this to be quick and thorough, so he placed the items on his table and stood quietly. Toby shrugged at some of the items and seemed bewildered at something else, Sam noticed a slightly larger box he was unfamiliar with, and Toby was eyeing it maliciously.

“The hell… how the fuck did you boys end up finding grenade launcher ammo?” Toby grinned as he started toying with the heavy box in his hand. The size wasn’t extremely big; it seemed that it held in two or three rounds at most. But he was actually shocked by the fact that Dean didn’t tell him he found ammo of this caliber.

He remembered how much Dean loved his grenade launcher, it was a pity that he was never able to use it before any of this happened. Sam felt his stomach turn at the memory, how much his brother’s playfulness kept him going for so long and how so much has changed inside him because of it. He bit the tip of his tongue and spoke briskly.

“I’ll be taking that, that’s not for sale” Sam reached out towards Toby’s hand and swiped the box away. Toby felt insulted, almost shattered as he took the box from the palm of his hands; he supported himself on the edge of the table and dug his nails into the cloth “I’ll be willing to trade anything for that. Name your price and you can have it”.

Sam glared at him, he held onto the box with even more force and he uttered the word “No”.

Toby watched, waited, and conveyed insults through his eyes but Sam didn’t budge; until finally Toby kneeled and rummaged through the other collectibles, shutting up completely.

,/p> _Why the hell did you do that?_ Sam kept questioning himself again and again and again. He didn’t understand why he did that, they didn’t even have a bazooka or a grenade launcher with them, why the hell did I just do that? 

Strangely, Sam knew his answer and he felt remorse once he learned about that truth, but he was too scared to admit it.

Sam traded in the other items for some canned food and a few dry fruits, luckily he found two soups which didn’t smell as horrible and sounded relatively tasty by the ingredients. He shoved the box of ammos into the bag and he walked away, beaming with pride. His exhaustion was taking over and he couldn’t wait to just go home and let his victorious conquest sink in, but the mention of a familiar name made him stop.

“That Crowley creep? Does any of the shit he sells even work?” A bitter voice of an elderly man chuckled under his breath behind one of the stalls. Sam focused on the voice even more before he reacted.

“Some people actually say that he’s been around for quite some time, like he’s some immortal or something. Who else would come up with all of this magic bullshit?” another man responded, a little more cautious with his words, he seemed frightened.

Sam unconsciously shoved his hand into his pants pocket, where the necklace was. He rubbed the slightly sharper ends with his thumb and he remained hesitant before someone spoke up again.

“Why do you sound so scared all of a sudden? You know they’re all heretics, and how can you not be? Especially after all of this…”

“Come on Carl enough with all of that philosophical shit…”

Sam charged towards them and almost lost balance, the two men were startled by his huge stature and they were frozen in place.

“Where?”

**“Where can I find this Crowley?”**

*************************************

Sam held onto the heavy bag that swung from his massive shoulders, the sweat on his brow was breaking his concentration as he watched the desolate building staring back at him.

The man had guided Sam to this destination, that Crowley always isolated himself from everyone else over the past few years. Sam gulped, unsure of whether his first step could also be his last; hesitantly he placed his foot steadily and then marched on as if he wanted to be targeted. The exterior of the small house was poorly structured, made strictly from some type of dark wood, the panels and the window frames looked quite rushed and wasn’t perfectly symmetrical in shape, some were more hexagonal than square. Sam made his way onto the step and a massive creak emerged, Sam winced and jumped over the other two steps and made it to the front porch, he sighed at his failure and he faced the gloomy entrance, preparing himself to be sucked in. He extended his hand to knock but a voice with an accent erupted before he could even try “Stop making that bloody ruckus and just come in already! Dumbass…”

It was definitely Crowley’s voice, Sam hummed.

Sam twisted the fragile doorknob and pushed the door silently, the hall consisted of some shelves and counters with ancient looking books and flasks on them. Some of the shelves also contained empty bottles of whiskey and old looking metallic drinking glasses. Sam twitched a the messy sight, the atmosphere of the house smelled very moist and raw, as if the walls absorbed any kind of liquid it could find. To his left there was a puny kitchen with just two or three unused counters and an ancient looking stove, almost witch like. Sam gulped uneasily at the furniture and continued to the last room on his left, which he assumed (And hoped) Crowley was in. He poked his head in through the door, his head emerging slowly so that he could react accordingly once threatened.

The room was quite different from the usual structure of the house, two sofas were placed in one corner of the room while a large vintage looking arm chair rested in the middle of it, there was a brown coffee table placed in front of it which had a bottle on top, Sam couldn’t identify what it was because the smell was quite unfamiliar. Crowley stood with his back straight, looking out of the window with a relatively nice looking wine glass in his hand. The wall that surrounded his window was covered in nails with certain charms and some weapons hanging on them, Sam made sure to be cautious. “I noticed you from a mile away, you really ought to fix your breaking and entering skills” He chuckled as he took a sip from his glass and turned around. His eyes are big and perfectly circular, the glass green iris within them bounced with fascination as he stared at Sam, his beard was scruffy but still neat on his face and the hair on his head was neatly trimmed with the spikes falling on his forehead. He wasn’t wearing his coat, and his black attire seemed to be his casual wear, Sam conjectured; he honestly felt out of place in a room like this. “So, what can I help you with?” He grinned, almost uninterested. Sam let his tongue unwind as he felt the courage emerge from his chest; he shoved his hand into his pant pocket, keeping his free hand in mid air to show that he didn’t mean any harm. Crowley eyed him questioningly, but his stance remained normal. Sam felt the necklace in his long fingers and he drew it out and let it swing in front of Crowley, as if he was hypnotizing him.

“Get out”

“Listen to me. I just want to ask some ques-“Sam intruded as he took one step closer towards him, trying to keep his calm.

“I have nothing to tell you so if you could please get off of my property…” Crowley sneered as he raised his eyebrows and walked towards the door and waited for Sam to leave. Sam pouted angrily, but he did not move. Crowley looked astonished, almost like his whole bloodline was insulted, he grasped onto his glass fiercely, keeping his temper under control. Sam continued “I saw what happened that day, with that man. And all that I want to know is where you found this trinket from. I swear”.

Crowley paused, a strange expression beamed from his eyes and he rubbed the sole of his shoe on the floor as he bit his lip and scratched his beard, clearly irritated. “What business is it of yours to know where I bloody got it from you.. You…?”

“Sam; and it is my business because this trinket is mine” Sam announced with a bit of dominance in his voice, he glared at Crowley vehemently as he stared back at him confused. Crowley opened his mouth and reluctantly closed it again, he watched Sam carefully and casually swirled the contents in his glass. He took a few steps towards him, asserting his position once more and he mouthed his words scornfully.

“Have a seat”

_“Approximately 6 years ago, during the collapse I suppose. I remember being in the woods, much more lifelike than these old looking bastards, and all I could see was a bright light. At first I thought I was in a bad dream, but when I realized I was awake I just thought that I had gone blind somehow, well I hoped I was, at least. The sky felt heavier and the colors disappeared from my hands and my blood, shattering me completely, I decided to make a run for it, in whatever direction I could make out of from my sight, I aimlessly walked for what felt like miles until I fell, and then I kept on falling. My screams kept disappearing and it felt like I was being unborn in that state of mind, until I finally felt the ground beneath my feet and I could feel my sight coming back to me. At that moment I decided to look up, only to be horrified by the sight”_

_“Two large shadows, almost too slender to be human, were hovering over something; or someone at least. They had massive horns on top of their heads and they didn’t look the least bit friendly. I was frozen in place, completely unaware of what I could do in that situation. I kept blinking in order to find a way out and make my escape, until I finally found something that took me by surprise. Between the two shadows was a man, on his knees and it appeared to be that he was grasping onto something very dear to him in his hand. The demonic beings stood there still, not harming him at all, and it amazed me and kept me in some trance. I remember seeing the man, he was crying, bawling, moaning so agonizingly that it started to scare me, he embraced the item in his hands and started to cradle it unconsciously, the demons stared at him still, not reacting in any way”_

_“I watched them all in silence, only the man’s sobbing was echoing in the damp foggy atmosphere, until he began to utter some words I couldn’t understand. It looked like a prayer, but at the same time it felt like he was performing some unheard ritual in the midst, I bloody shook when he finally lessened the grip on his item, to my surprise it was the trinket itself! I couldn’t understand what was going on, I wanted to be completely sure if any of this was really happening at all. And almost instantly the man cried out once more and heaved, his chest completely exposed to the demons that were opening their mouths and extending their dangly bone like fingers towards him. Until… shit, how do I explain this? Well, until the trinket started to glow. Literally GLOW. It started to emit this blue light and it continued to do so, the creatures paused, absolutely intrigued by the mechanism, but one of them remained with the man, unsure of what was happening. The man was unresponsive, almost unaware of his mental state. The glow intensified and soon it exploded! A massive blue energy erupted like it was some kind of bloody bomb, the light began to spread and I swore that I could hear hushed voices and whispers in the distance; the light was beginning to expand and it’s strength looked incomprehensible, the creatures began to hiss as the light began to manifest their skin, their inhuman like speed couldn’t even help them escape and they ended up writhing in pain by the burns, every part of their shadow like body that was exposed to the light began to disappear and melt away in the space while the man remained still, almost like he was bathing himself in that light completely unharmed. The light reflected from his skin almost majestically and he stared into the depths of the sky, refusing to move at all. I took that as a sign to make my escape and I ran, I ran like hell in the other direction and didn’t look back; my feet hurt from the excessive toxins that invaded my lungs but I refused to turn around. The whispers were more enhanced now in my ears and I picked up the pace even more just so I could try to escape. Momentarily a loud noise crept into my ears, a loud Fwoom. I stopped and fell to the cold ground and blinked through the blood that spread onto my face, my worn out eyes could only make out the light blue glow coming towards me, everything after that was completely erased, as if it were a dream”_

_“I woke up, several hours later to find myself covered in my own blood and dead leaves, the light had faded and the world seemed at peace once more, until I realized how much I was unaware of. I went back in the opposite direction; hoping that I could find the man who could tell me what was going on, hell, maybe even fix my wounds in the process. But once I returned I saw no one there, not even a bloody footprint; and all that remained was…”_

“The necklace…” Sam resumed as he sat uncomfortably on the sofa, Crowley crouched as he smacked his lips sitting on the arm chair nearby, Sam looked at him, confusion clearly written in his eyes and Crowley took it as his queue to continue. 

“Wow, no one has actually taken me this seriously to this point. I’m actually quite flattered that you stayed this long” Crowley mused as he flashed his teeth at him; Sam rolled his eyes and decided to be patient with the guy.

“It was then that I realized how much I had missed out, and before I even considered the consequences I took the amulet, just fucking stole it as if it were a mere piece of jewelry. I stood in my spot as I kept questioning myself whether my senses were working, unfortunately they were not. I felt calm and collected once the thing was in my pocket, that ugly piece of shit… In the long run I actually considered selling it or just throwing the garbage away, but somehow knowing that this piece of artifact can act as a protection… I decided to keep it with me. I began my journey and traveled far and wide after that, and soon I became somewhat of a gypsy; who traveled and told tales of magic and woe and had in his possession a jewel that contained mystical powers of the beyond; and after being coined as the crazed lunatic I finally came to this place, I didn’t even have to do much to get it because the dear old owner was already dead in his bed, for a few days too at least. I discovered some items the old man had, a great collector honestly; and I traded all of them to get by, and only kept the things I needed most. I only performed some business deals, but they’ve lessened over the years, but I was always up to date on the latest gossips! And through all of those rumors and theories I came to realize that the place that I felt so abandoned in all those years ago, the place everyone feared to even speak of, was given the name ‘The Edge’, very catchy really” 

Sam’s eyes widened, his tone overcome by absolute bewilderment “You’ve been to the Edge?! How is that?-“Crowley rolled his eyes and mimicked his tone “I have no bloody clue, you ass. Like I said, I cannot remember”.

Sam eyed him grimly and so he diverted his attention to the small necklace placed in his hand, the Tiki mask looked quite worn out from the last time he saw it and it honestly scared him to be holding it this way “If you took it, then why did you try giving it away? And with a whole back story connected to it too… What were you doing Crowley?” Sam questioned him, his jaw clenched and waiting for a response, Crowley closed his eyes uneasily before he answered.

“I just wanted to get rid of it”

“All of a sudden? Just like that?”

“I’m sorry, but I should be the one asking you the questions since that bloody thing belongs to your brother!”

Damn it, he got me there.

“My brother threw it away, a really long time ago because we were going through a rough patch… but the whole thing with the guy and the demons… it’s honestly not making any sense! How did he manage to erase them away? Who was that guy?” Sam stood up and started walking about, completely senseless over Crowley’s story. He watched him patiently as he stared into his empty glass; it seems that even he didn’t have the answers for Sam’s questions. Sam looked outside the window and noticed the dimness, he didn’t realize how long he was out and a sudden panic started to grow. He managed to pick himself up steadily and reach for his bag on the ground before, he checked his pockets-a routine method really- and started to make his way through the room.

“Crowley, I don’t know why but I feel like something could be done from this, from all of this!”

“Are you bloody insane? You want to go all superhero now? In times like this?”

“No-no! just hear me out alright!” Sam ran his fingers through his hair, unaware of how much he was shaking “My brother and I, before all of this, we helped people, we saved them from these things and- and it was our life! Our calling… you know? So the world now, we can save it from those demons that feed on us, just like what happened to you and…”

Crowley watched him, drunk by his warm drink as he grew uncertain with Sam’s wavering words “You… you actually believe me, don’t you?”

Sam stood there with his mouth agape, almost as if the air was sucked out of him. He didn’t realize how much he went overboard and blurted about his past in front of a stranger. What is wrong with you today Sam?

He decided to stop, and instead he waved Crowley goodbye and started to walk away, his bag swinging lazily on his heavy shoulders. Crowley also waited at his front porch, watching Sam walk away slowly.

“Sam!” he shouted and caught Sam off guard, shocked by his voice he turned around and smirked uncomfortably.

“If you want, you’re welcome here any time… It’s nice having good company” Crowley smiled as his eyes toned down and relaxed towards his direction, Sam felt uneasy by his words but out of the goodness of his heart he smiled back and nodded.

He started to jog away as he felt the air becoming colder and crispier on his lips, he was silently hoping Dean wouldn’t be there to scold him again, he hates that. He bit his lip at the thought of his brother and ended up bruising himself slightly.

_The amulet? The man? Those monsters? What was happening here? And even worse… what was going to happen if he didn’t do something? How are we all connected in this?_

Sam’s head was pounding by his exhaustion and he just wanted to run so far from all of this. His heart beat kept pulsating through his ears and before long he reached the outskirts of his home, he watched his melancholic palace and didn’t resist moving towards it. Sam breathed in and walked inside, the door creaking as always. The warmth of the dark room felt so inviting to him and he was honestly pleased to see the familiar ugliness within it. He rubbed his boots on the pebbles below as took them off, the loud shuffling and dragging made a familiar, yet sleepy voice erupt.

“Sammy…?”

“Yeah! It’s me”

Dean walked out, his eyes swollen and his body shivering; he glared at him angrily and was about to start rambling again before Sam took the first step.

“I’m sorry.”

Dean stood there, taken aback by Sam’s calm yet mature tone and he decided-for once- not to nag, he pouted and peeked out from the room and stared at the bag unconsciously “I found some soup, so go lie down and I’ll make it for us”.

Dean’s eyes were rejuvenated, it’s glitter began to spread and he gave out a smile, one of the smiles Sam admired for how honest they were, Sam gleamed back and watched Dean walk back to his mattress lethargically.

“You’re the best, Sammy”

Sam felt a twinge in his chest when he heard these words, his eyes remained fixated on his brother’s back as he breathed in his relaxed state, and it felt as if he lost all of his senses for a few minutes. He took out the cans and the supplies slowly and he approached the pit where he began to start a fire, two minutes later he felt the heat at the palm of his hands.

_The best, huh?_

_After what I’m going to do, I don’t think so._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it's getting interesting from this part! The next chapter will also be a Sam centric one (Yayyyy) so I hope it isn't too boring for any of you! And I'll be ending the first part of this series soon and I hope hope hoooope all of you like it, and love it (Dear God please let them love it!) 
> 
> <3


	7. Log 7.0: Departure

The windowsill hummed lazily as the wind jolted by its immediate stop, tiny fragments of an icicle rotate in a relatively empty glass of whiskey within the fingers of a man who is enjoying the comfortable silence. Crowley watches his wrinkly thumb caress the edge of his crystal glass, almost as if he could manipulate time itself.  


_My last sip,_ that's all he could think of. _His last bloody sip._  
He refused to drink it, regardless of his impatient nature he decided to look away and stare out the window instead. Crowley's eyes widened, taken aback by the sight he placed his glass on his worn out coffee table and zoomed towards the front door. To his surprise he caught Sam, heaving in place with his hand extended forward, knocking perhaps? Crowley grimaced as he stood behind the door and allowed the ragged man to enter. Sam waltzed through the tiny hallway; not even looking back at a thoroughly confused Crowley. He hesitated but took firm steps towards Sam's direction and entered his living room once more, Sam was glistening by the excessive sweat on his brow and he groaned immensely as he collapsed onto the sofa. Crowley shoved his hands into his pockets and waited patiently, holding in the temptation to tap his foot against the floor. He finally managed to look him in the eye and spoke in a quiet-almost mouse like- voice.  


"I- uh- I haven't been able to sleep properly... Ever since I got this amulet" Crowley slowly sat down in his armchair, refusing to speak for the time being. "At first I thought I was being paranoid, I just thought 'Oh, its just some bizzare old dream that I can't even remember once I wake up!' But then it just... Kept happening. Again, and **again, and again**..." Sam rubbed his finger gently on his nostrils as he kept himself composed, his tired voice added a strange haunting feel to the room itself, Crowley grew curious.  


"And now it won't stop. Every frickin' night its the same dream. I see my brother... I see Dean lying lifeless on the ground, just lying and I don't know why but I can't get to him. I see weird claw marks on his neck and... I just can't? I can't..." Sam whispers into his hands as he tries to maintain himself once more. He looks up teary eyed but with an angry pout towards Crowley, who has crossed his leg over the other as he's bobbing his head in his hands "Now I know that I have to do something, this isn't any coincidence Crowley and what's worse that... That thing out there? Its out to get my brother and I for one intend on trying to find it"  


He kept huffing and blazing in the room while he remained silent in his chair; in a strange way regardless of how little he understood of his situation and his current state Crowley felt that maybe, just maybe he could somehow be a part of this misery. Sam finally came to a stop and he straightened his back lazily, his swollen eyes and brittle lips made him look as if he was being possessed, it was as if someone just had their fun with his body by torturing it and then just left it out to dry in the sun. Crowley nodded and wore an annoyed grin on his face, Sam remained corpse like for a few minutes until he started to sniffle slightly; he began to tear up as he dragged the amulet out of his pockets and let it graze the palm of his hand menacingly. "I have to try, I have to do something Crowley... Otherwise everything I've ever fought for to this day would all be for nothing" he spoke condescendingly; Crowley remained mute as he watched him take swift and small breaths with his head sunk low, why was he still listening to this boy?  


"Why have you come to me to ramble like some love struck teenager? Is there really no one else who can help you with your problem?" He winced internally as he felt the sour words escape from his mouth, I'm too mature for this crap, he concluded. Sam narrowed his eyes and grinned, showing the least of his teeth as he did so "Heh, no one I can trust... Enough". He felt his insides twist and collapse and reactively he bounced off from his seat and slowly walked back to his spot near the window "Are you kidding me? Trust? You barely know me moose..."  


Sam's eyes widened and he felt his teeth begin to chatter "What did you just call me?", Crowley looked surprised, almost unaware of what he just did so himself. "Why did you just call me that?!" He erupted as he started marching towards him with his huge shaky hands, Sam's eyes looked red with all of the rage and confusion building up inside, Crowley held out his hands and spat out his own thoughts "I don't know! Its just some bloody thing that I came up with! What the hell is wrong with you?!" His thick accent echoed in the living room as Sam tried to keep in the excessive bile piling up in his throat, what was happening right now?  


Sam crossed his arms and slowly took a few steps back until he hit the wall unexpectedly, he started shaking his head as he kept on blinking monotonously, Crowley scratched his trimmed beard agitatedly as he built up the courage to ask the mad man Why, until Sam spoke up himself.  


"This isn't making any sense, bu-but why have I heard someone say that to me before? Why does it feel like you've given me that name?"  


"You must be imagining things, you're just tired and mixing up your memories that's all. You just need to relax and just go hom-"  


"Memories?"  


Sam's eyes began to spark up and Crowley instantly regretted ever letting him into his house.  


"Crowley! I think I finally might understand what's happening to me! To all of us!" He beamed as he bit his lip and scratched his head so ecstatically it felt as if fleas were dancing in them. Crowley quietly stood in one corner of the room and tried to control the confused look on his face as Sam continued "What if... Just what if, all of this. Me meeting you, getting Dean's amulet back, having these nightmares and being called MOOSE by you was NOT a coincidence? What if all of this was bound to happen because..."  


"Because?..." Crowley grew keen on his answer.  


"Because we... Knew each other before the... Collapse." He finished  


Crowley felt the aching bulge in his throat burst out and invaded his jaw, a strange aftertaste made him feel like swallowing his tongue, _what the actual fuck was going on in his head?_  


"The incident you had, the man you saw, could it be that you knew him as well? Was there a reason why this amulet came back to me? To you?... Wh.... I don't even know what I was talking about. Where was I going with this?"  


"Out"  


Sam furrowed his brow and placed his hand on his heaving chest, the twinkle in his eyes was replaced with a wavering insanity and Crowley just wanted him to leave before he self destructs by thinking too much. Know each other? What a bullshit of an idea!  


"Crowley, I know I'm just talking way, way out of my league but what if everything was true? That our memories before the collapse are slowly fading away? And its those things that are responsible for that? The guy- you- the one who took the amulet in the first place even he... His.... Its all coming together Crowley, I know that... That thing is doing something to us and it won't stop until we're gone for good too! You have to think over this at least once! We couldn't have just come together like this if it weren't for a reason"  


Crowley continued to stare at the floor, no reaction and no emotion whatsoever, he felt completely powerless by the bombardment of this maybe true maybe false information, he just didn't know what to say because he too felt so confused by everything that has happened to him over the years, why couldn't he remember as well? What was he before the collapse? Did he like music? Did he have a god job? A family? Friends perhaps? None of it made any sense.  


"Crowley, I know its just a hunch... But I know. I just know that you were the one who gave me that name, and I've been trying to grasp over the fact of whether I have seen you somewhere else before, and I know that I have... I don't want to lose my memories... Damn it!" Sam fisted through the air helplessly and squirmed until he slid down from his seat with his head in his hands, he looked like he was trying to hide his face from his current shape and Crowley was actually moved by his innocent yet terrifying display.  


_Well? What should we do?_ The voice in Crowley's head enunciated in his cranium, his heart was burning up and his jaw felt strangely loose in his mouth; _why is all of this happening? Why today? Why me?_  


"It's just a gut feeling I suppose...but Dean always told me to trust my instinct, and what I'm feeling right now is fear. So please... I just can't give up on him. Not again". Crowley watched his heaving form on the floor of his 'once' peaceful abode, he felt the clocks mocking him from behind, why is he hesitating so much?  


_Make your choice oh Crowley!_  


_Don't leave the young trash hanging!_  


_Tick tock tick tock oh mysterious wanderer!_  


_Decide your fate!_  


"Alright"  


"All... Alright?"  


Crowley began to walk towards the exit and to a room which Sam assumed was his bedroom, Crowley's neat cropped head tilted in a creepy manner, almost demonic in a way while Sam eagerly waited for his answer, from the hallway he said "Give me a couple of days to set everything up. You focus on how you'll handle your brother with this blasted mess".  


Sam grinned shamelessly as he pushed himself up from the cold floor and dusted himself off "Don't worry. I'll handle Dean"

Crowley remained silent in his enclosed space, breathing out a large sigh in the process.

_His last fucking drink, huh?_

****†***************  


 

Sam was greeted by his growling stomach early in the morning and he started to crave for the food he knew he couldn't have anymore. Not allowing himself to succumb to his salivating desires he grabbed onto his abdomen and pressed it hard, the buzzing stopped from within and he continued to pack his bag.  


Crowley managed to get supplies and transport in four days time, he said that he'd look for the best way possible to reach the edge in record time, three days max. Sam was actually pleased to hear that the time frame wasn't as excessive as he feared, but Crowley reminded him that it would only take three days IF they didn't run into trouble. As the days kept drawing nearer the dreams started to feel even more dementing in his head and his guilt was driving him insane.  


_They're just dreams Sammy. I can't be gotten rid of that easily._  


_Sam it's just your head messing with ya, maybe the stress finally caught up with you huh?_  


_The amulet has nothing to do with this, I got rid of that thing a long time ago and its the same as before. A piece of junk._  


_You honestly think I'd allow you to risk your life? Especially for someone like me?_  


_Stop spewing crap and grow up._  


_Don't you give a damn about me? Can't you listen to me just this _ **once**_?  
_

__

Sam dug his fingernails into his skin out of frustration, he knew he had to keep himself calm so he started breathing so slowly that he could hear his raging heart choke him from the inside. Sam walked slowly out of his room as he tried to distract himself with some edibles, he carried some of the canned food in his large arms and sneaked back into his chambers to place it in the bag. _Canned carrots and peas, canned beans, canned chicken corn soup with real vegetables! Canned creamy pasta,_ the supplies seemed endless. Sam made sure not to take a lot, especially not the canned pasta, he knew Dean would curse him from the ends of the earth if he took the pasta. He smiled at his brother's idiocy as he slowly closed his bag; he dragged his hand slowly as he closed the zip and checked his pockets for his pistol bullets and an extra pair of silver ones as well, he needed to be well prepared for his endeavors after all. He picked up his bags of weapons and food and he made his way through the cabin, he looked at Dean's snoring form on the floor with the pebbles scattered about his body, he hated the fact that he refused to sleep on the bed and allowed him that minute luxury, why does he always have to act like an older brother? He of all people deserves to be selfish once in a while! Sam grumbled under his breath. Dean kept breathing in the dust and bacteria from the ground and he felt so spiteful for letting him continue to sleep on the ground this way; he watched him one last time before he reached out towards the lock on the door.  


_I guess he deserves that much from me at least._  


Sam turned around and retraced his steps back into his own room once more, he shuffled around clumsily and started searching for his notebook, where did I put that damn thing?  


He started going through one of his bags and found the black journal there, he skipped through his ancient entries and found a blank page which he tore a piece out of. He fumbled with his pencil and scribbled his message, hoping in his heart that Dean would forgive him for not listening to him once more. A vague yet heartfelt message later he adjusted his items and bags once more and left the note on his bed, he walked aimlessly in his room, still contemplating whether he made the right call until he decided to utilize the strange adrenaline rush by walking steadfast towards the cabin door. He closed his eyes tight and placed his hand on the door handle, **do I dare?**  


He walked out into the cold atmosphere and held onto his abdomen even tightly until he disappeared within the trees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for taking so long with this, stupid studies came in the way and hence I lost track of everything. I hope I haven't disappointed you yet, the finale is almost here! Until the next chapter! (Which will be updated very soon!!) Love you readers ❤


	8. Death never leaves me

His tongue tickled the inside of his mouth as he hummed soundlessly and kept shoving in the bits and pieces of his items, eagerly fitting them inside his backpack. Castiel successfully closed the zip as the loud noise inundated in his ears and his body suddenly became even warmer; with his shoulders gently caressing the cushioned straps of his bag he slowly walked backwards, hoping to just catch one more glimpse of the slow, beaming river. A smile appeared on his tired lips and the veins in his neck still pounded and caused him some pain, but he wasn't one to complain about a minor throb. He heard shuffling steps behind him and reacted almost kiddishly when he saw Dean appear from the back of the truck. He was squinting, making it obvious that his eyes were trying their best to stay open, I bet he didn't sleep again; Castiel thought. Almost defensively, Dean smiled so wide just to convince him that he's all hunky dory, who do you have fooled here you wise ass?

The truck had a lot of space on its backside because of the two seating system,but even so Dean had kept their packs in the front seat, precautionary most definitely. If they had supplies this truck would've been the best option to pick,but we can't take any risks after all. Castiel was somewhat sad to leave and pack up so early, although he was the one who was injured and asleep most of the time he still felt that it wasn't enough for him. They rounded up the campsite once they could see the greyness of the woods again, the nights after the collapse tend to be a lot more threatening and dangerous, at least that's what Dean said. Castiel still felt oddly loose in his body and he just wanted to lie down, and he kept reminding himself that he wasn't completely useless these past few days and he was definitely not satisfied with him acting like a wounded animal! especially in this hunter's presence, his ego was at stake here! Dean shuffled about as he rotated the oil canister's top and continued to walk towards the driver's seat door, Castiel noticed that he was investigating something inside, and so he hurried towards the other door and made himself comfortable. Dean was taken aback by him entering so suddenly but he ignored him instantly and started to graze his hands on every item in the vehicle, 

"Uh, Dean?" Castiel murmured, hoping he didn't somehow disturb Dean's current state. 

"Yeah Cas? What is it?" 

"Er, trick question... What exactly are you looking for?" 

Dean didn't look at him as he continued to check under the seats with his free hand "I stole a car, so I was wondering- no- hoping that there would be something here that could be useful, like a gun or something". 

Castiel tried looking at his face but he kept shuffling and moving so much that it began to irritate him. He decided not to be a baby and he started shoving his hands here and there in the entrapment, Dean sneaked a look and nodded approvingly before he started searching upwards; Castiel noticed that the compartment was already open and there was nothing inside, so he amusingly started waving his hand around it and inside it until he noticed something, it felt strangely hollow and the sound that came out didn't seem so heavy in his ears, could there be something behind it? 

He cautiously slid his hand into the small space between the door and the compartment and he started to shove his hand a little deeper until he felt something, his fingers enveloped something smooth and leathery on the other side. "Cas did you find something?" Dean grinned as he awaited the reveal. Castiel nodded approvingly and dug his two fingers into the object and slowly pulled it out, scratching his hand a bit. He looked at it and saw that it was a black journal with a slightly worn out condition, he flipped it sideways and watched the pages dance to and fro until he noticed that the pages were actually filled. 

"That..." Dean croaked as he slowly placed his hand on Castiel's and dragged it towards the journal, the small contact made Castiel's temperature flicker as he finally managed to look at his face that was currently occupied by the book in his hand. Dean's eyes sparkled and his lips quivered as he kept rotating the journal in his shaky hands. "This... This is Sammy's journal..." Castiel's eyes widened, almost too much that his veins felt like they were shedding out of his neck; he drew in closer to Dean once more and started looking at him and the written pages simultaneously "Really? Are you sure?!" He squawked as he placed a hand on Dean's frozen shoulder "Yeah... This is his hand writing... And see here? He's mentioned my name and about some... What is..." Dean drifted his speech as he began to shuffle through the pages like a mad man and tried to control his fear and excitement. Castiel worried and waited patiently for Dean's answer, he decided to trust him with his actions for now. "Last entry... Last entry... Last entry.... HERE!" Dean boomed as he startled Castiel and looked at him, panting after the endeavor. Castiel drew in to read from the pages but Dean closed the journal and placed his back on his torn seat, he watched him steady his breathing but he sensed that there was something running through his head. "Dean?" Castiel spoke softly, making sure he knew what he was dealing with.

"I'm scared... Cas. I don't know" Dean shivered as he became a little pale and teary eyed, not loosening his grip on the journal even once. He sucked in his emotions and tears as he continued to stare menacingly at the journal, Castiel slowly placed his warm hand on Dean's and clasped his free thumb and fingers, his glowing green eyes turned towards him and started to build its walls once more, just like they always did. "This is our lead to your brother, the one you've been searching for months! When you feared for his life without knowing where he was you were hell bent on finding out, and this is it. This is finally the key Dean, you've come this far and you deserve that much at least"

Dean glared at him continuously and he remained still, but Castiel didn't let go of his trembling hand as he kept eye contact, since when did he become so wise and confident around him? 

**"Don't let your fear consume you"**

Dean's eyes grew wide and he finally managed to blink,and in excessive amounts no less. He sighed and lowered his head before he straightened it again; he sniffed and blew some air out of his mouth from the agitation crumbling inside, he took his thumb out from Castiel's grasp and he pushed onto his thumb instead. "One, two,three!" He smirked as he applied ample amount of force onto Castiel's thumb,he couldn't help but allow his eyelids to slide as he felt something vibrate inside his stomach; was this a moment? 

"Alright-ahem-games over, now for the hard part" Dean relaxed as he licked his lips and opened the journal slowly "Uh, Cas?" He fumbled as he looked at him but didn't make eye contact. 

"Yeah?" He replied, as calmly as possible. 

"Umm. Thanks, I mean... Thank you" 

Castiel felt a massive smile emerge from the back of his head but instead he gave a small smirk and nodded, adding a little eye closing in the mix as well. Dean huffed and abruptly opened the journal as if it was on a timer, the both of them drew their heads in closely as they scurried through the words in silence. 

_November 9th_

"What's the date today?" Dean spoke out of nowhere as he tried to recollect his thoughts. Castiel tried to remember the date he did remember over the days and then he added it up to today, the day they were leaving the city was the 1st of Jan and its been almost a week since that incident... 

"I think it's the 7th or 8th of January now..." Castiel remorsed as he dwelled over the timelapse between Sam's entry and now. He watched Dean as he bit his lowerlip and anxiously started to think even more "How is it possible that he was here 3 months ago? He's been gone for much longer than that... What the hell was he up to?". 

They carried on. 

_November 9th_ _My stomach is turning just by sitting in this stupid truck, I've travelled way longer than it was intended! The deal was supposed to be for a few days but we somehow got misplaced by all of the bullshit and monsters that somehow decided to show up NOW. What have I gotten into?_

_Its been several months since I left home, Crowley managed to get this ride which was supposedly going to help us reach the edge in less than a week, but in between we found too many blockages, horrible monsters that had to be dealt with because they wanted to EAT us, and also the fact that we had to scavenge for oil whenever the meter was empty, great times huh? But thankfully Crowley has been a massive support throughout, maybe all of the travelling he's done over the years has made him this good with survival. He's been telling me about some of the aspects of his life, as if he was planning on not coming back alive... But I told him that we were doing this for the better good, this was the only way for me to save Dean and I was not going to regret my decision. But if I do admit I'm honestly... Terrified. I've been terrified these past few months and I don't think it'll stop until we finally reach that nightmare, my God is this really happening?_

_I've been wandering with Crowley and collecting some supplies over the last couple of days, all of the canned goods I brought along are empty and the water nowadays is excessively scarce... But somehow we'll make it through because we're actually much closer to the edge than we thought. I almost started crying once Crowley told me that, as if my prayers were finally answered after weeping for months. Even he looked somewhat satisfied when he said that the hills are close by and that everything will be a risk from there, but at this moment I'm willing to just..._

_The weapons I have, and the ones I've made. I'm not even sure if they'll work but I've brought every kind of demon killing item I had in my possession, I don't even know if the amulet will react accordingly once I... What am I doing? This ijiraq has so little information even after gaining intel from all of the wanderers we've encountered these past few months, I know I can kill it... But am I just imagining things now? Was this really all a misnderstanding?_

_I-_

"It cuts off from here..." Castiel distanced himself as he felt strangely haunted by Sam's words, he was actually more scared of how Dean was taking all of this especially because he was strangely silent this whole time. Dean gulped hard and he slid his fingers onto the pages and then moved forward to see if he's missed any entries ahead, but instead he found pages filled with scribbles and messy drawings, Dean's twitching was very apparent and Castiel was somehow afraid of what might happen next. He looked over his shoulder again and saw the drawings himself, feeling his intestines twist and turn as he kept glaring at the images. At the beginning the drawings were simplistic, just swirls and symbols but then a few pages later the images became more clear, faces appeared in the form of goat heads and long shadowy claws and figures stretched out. 

"Sam..." Dean whispered as he continued to stare in horror and flip through the pages, Castiel shoved his hands in his armpits and tried to make his body stop shaking. A page or two later they both stared at a peculiar image which seemed less menacing than the others, the page was filled with distorted triangular shapes which may have represented mountains and a path was drawn between them which led to a small shape that represented a rabbit, or was it something else?... 

After the rabbit the path led to a spot which had the symbol of a cross on it, and finally a few twists and turns later the path ended on an image of the sadistic black figure which was marked with a rough, thorough and repetitively drawn 'x' on it. Dean's irises kept fidgeting about as he encountered the strange drawings, his chest kept rising and falling as he pushed himself to turn the page again. Castiel breathed in the harrowing air and blinked nervously as he read a sentence scribbled at the edge of the page. 

_I'm sorry, Dean._

He gulped down the excessive bile in his throat and shuffled away from Castiel, he reviewed the pages but he couldn't read through them again, not again. Dean placed his hand over his eyes and exhaled immensely, almost beast like. Castiel remained in his corner and started rubbing his thumb over the other constantly, what was going to happen? 

"He made us a map... Of all the things he had to worry about he could've just..." Dean groaned as he placed his hands on the wheel and dug his nails into it, Castiel beckoned and decided to remain quiet."He... He just knew that I'd come after him, to save his ass like always and I'm always the one drowning because of him. How is that fair Cas? For once he didn't have to save me and yet... I'm just sick and tired of running after him sometimes...." Dean breathed heavily as he kept on talking in an unusual way, Castiel was getting irritated by his childish words, and somehow this time he didn't hold it in. 

"Why do you act so surprised?" Castiel reacted in an aggressive tone, Dean turned and looked towards him with vulnerable eyes and a loosened grip "You say you'd do anything for him, you've went through hell and back countless times for him even without thinking twice about how it would affect you. But once he tries to do the same for you... You somehow become so inconvenient and burden like that you refuse to even let him be a brother once! Because you know what Dean? That's what brothers are supposed to do! Go through hell and back for each other and not expect any kind of gratitude in return because a relationship like that doesn't need that kind of crap!" 

"Okay Castiel, hey-" 

"You two don't seek for that pain and that is why you want to protect each other! So you need to stop blaming each other for everything that has happened over the years and start fighting for each other again! A human heart can withstand the most horrible of things and you two have..." Castiel stopped with his mouth open, he felt his jaw loosen and his stomach turn with his constant dabbling, Dean drew in closer with twinkling eyes and started patting Castiel on his cheek as he remained unresponsive to his calls "Castiel, okay... Okay I'm sorry... Hey? Are you okay? I'm sorry for being a pussy but you need to respond.. Cas?" Dean continued as tears began to fill Castiel's eyes. 

"A human heart..." Castiel swallowed as he managed to speak again, Dean gazed at him completely confused as he turned to bring him in closer, trying to help him with his shaken state. "I... **I don't have...one?... Dean... I don't possess such a thing... I...** " He murmured; the throbbing in his chest and his neck intensified and he found himself being enveloped by Dean's arms and he buried his face in his elbow and started to cry silently, the top of his head felt comforted by the shade Dean's chin provided and he huddled in even closer as Dean allowed more access, the both of them felt so stupid as they held each other and cried without any remorse. Dean kept his grip tight on his companion, the strange hugging was actually therapeutic and he kept cradling Castiel lazily in his clenched arms. 

"Okay, I'm done now... So let me go instantly so that I still have my dignity" Castiel mumbled as he sniffled and hid his face in the corner of his side's closed window. Dean cleared his throat uncomfortably and acted all manly by fixing his shirt collar and opening a button from the bottom; why the hell did they keep doing this? Dean placed the journal in his lap and the truck's messy ignition echoed around them, soon the vehicle moved and they drifted away onto the isolated path. 

Their bodies resonated with vibrations as the truck shook with the groaning engine, Castiel placed his arm where the glass should've been and is cradling his head despite the constant drumming from the vehicle, his head still felt heavy for some reason, maybe it was his ego trying to gnaw through his cranium and expose itself directly so that he can address it and confront it and maybe have a duel to the death as he portrayed his oh so magnificent psychoanalytic skills and can soon become the master of his entire being and- 

Dean extended his bandaged hand towards the worn out stereo and started rotating the dial back and forth. The instant emergence of static flooded Castiel's ears and he came running back to reality in a flash, startled, he straightened his back and placed his head gently on its torn headrest. 

_What was he thinking about again?_

"Eh..." Dean moped as he kept rotating through the channels and was continuously greeted by the same unsatisfying sound "Never imagined a day where I wouldn't have any music on when I drove.... Just what my already excessive PTSD needed...". Castiel eyed him and rubbed his teeth against one another uncomfortably until his mouth felt tingly "You have PTSD?" He reacted in a monotonous tone which Dean had somehow seen coming for some reason. 

"Yep, but its doable." 

"Hmm. Intriguing" 

They both got quiet again, Dean shut the radio off and continued to stare at the never ending road as he slowly kept himself from droving a little faster, he knew risking the fuel would be a bad option especially if they were going the wrong way. He looked at Castiel who was drumming his knees with his index and forefinger, it seemed that he was unconsciously humming to some tune until he looked back and suddenly stopped once he made eye contact. He shuffled uncomfortably and stopped his drumming as he started to stare at the rotations and movements outside. 

_Did I come on too strongly again? Did I make a weird face? Jesus_. Dean pondered as he tried to focus on the road again, for some reason his gut was flinching and churning uneasily and he couldn't understand what was making him so impatient. Hesitantly, he placed his foot a little harder on the acceleration and moved cautiously with the swift vehicle, ahead of the dusty road they encounter a steepness that lead them downwards, carefully swerving the truck Dean rotates the wheel and successfully lands its tyres accurately, not allowing the truck's balance to falter. Castiel turns and watches his movements, the veins in his hands were popping out much more than usual and his usually monotonic face seemed tense and overwhelmed by something, for a moment Castiel himself felt nauseas just wondering about it. The slight wrinkles around his eyes were even deeper and it made him look so mature and it reminded him of something right out of a movie, but which movie he couldn't put a finger on it. 

"James Dean..." Castiel blurted out. 

"What? Did you just say James Dean?" Dean mused with a smug smile plastered on his face, Castiel shut his eyes and placed his damp hand on his face to hide his red face. 

"Its uh... Just something" 

"What?" 

"It just reminded me of something, your driving and all. So my mind went to Rebel without a cause for some reason..." 

Castiel scratched his chin as he watched Dean burst out with howling laughter, he was so awestruck yet terrified by this sight that he started to consider whether he should jump out of the truck. After Dean gained his composure and his breath he licked his lips and shook his head beguilingly until he spoke again, but in a more cheerful way. 

"I didn't think you were the movie watching kind" he fumbled as he tried to not start laughing again, he was clearly enjoying the fact that Castiel compared him to one of the most desirable and unique actors of their time. 

"I'm not, actually. A friend used to force me into watching these old movies and such..." Castiel pondered as he tried to trace back to that time, but could only visualize blurs and distorted figures that made his skin crawl, the discomfort made him clutch onto his chest. 

**What the hell?**

"Damn, well I'd say that your friend has good taste" 

Castiel's eyes start shifting over his hands, and then to Dean and then to his hands again, for some reason he couldn't understand what he was trying to remember just a few moments ago. His fingers feel twitchy from the inside and his bones felt strangely expanded as he tried to rub his hands together for some warmth. 

_Friend? Friend? What friend? What face? What eyes? What?_

 _What memory was this?_

He turned slightly to look at Dean and without realizing began to squint, Castiel pressed his canines slightly into his lower lip and started constructing some random ideas in his head, he felt like questioning his current state but was somehow being rejected by his own body, he kept retracing his steps and tried to remember anything he could before... Before.... 

**Before what?**

"Dean, what were we talking about?" 

"Hold on" 

"What?" 

"Shh" 

Following his eyes he gazed towards the subject of interest, much grayer than he could have hoped the brittle sand lay motionless with the stones and staffs placed upon it, many symbols of various religions, some even unknown, were stabbed into the ground, momentum felt scarce and their stomach's turned within their silent lips. Castiel let his fingernails jab into his palm until he stifled an exhale, watching closely he managed to look towards Dean, who was still reluctant to move. 

Several minutes pass until Dean was satisfied and they begin to move ponce more, he heard him say a small "Can't be too careful" as he adjusted himself and drove slowly onto the somewhat stable ground. Castiel looked out the window and let his eyes wander over the raw graves, almost too scenic to forget but for once he didn't actually feel like remembering anymore, especially not this, not any of this. 

_Why?_

**"AAAAAAHHH"** he clamoured as he dug into his scalp and started tearing off pieces and bits of his skin. Dean struggled to keep his control on the wheel so he forced it to a stop, Castiel hurt himself as the truck's abruptness caused him to collide with the dashboard, writhing in pain as he tried to keep his intestines in place. His teeth were gritting and his canines managed to salvage the skin inside and his mouth repleted with a metallic taste, Dean felt ambushed, unaware of what the circumstance was. Castiel felt his body was reemerging, breaking, maybe even being glued together. 

_What is this!? What am I supposed to do with these blurry images?_ As he tried placing a hand over his shoulder Castiel forced open the door to his side and fell to the ground, Dean just screamed out for him helplessly, almost too afraid to know what was going through his head. Castiel's limbs were shaking and then soon became still and solid as he stood up again, but instead of coming back inside he started to run, fast. 

"CAS? What the hell are you doing? Don't run off- aaaand that's what he's doing" he spoke, as fucking patronisingly as he could as he left the truck and sought after him. He saw his agile body go towards a deeper part of the cemetery, not even faltering in the steps he took on the barren yet unstable ground, Dean was already out of breath as he tried to climb the steep edges to reach him, he felt like he was chasing the terminator for christs sake. 

Why did he become so damn robotic all of a sudden? Did he blabber something that I was unaware of? And on and on he went in his head, he was getting even more pissed because they were this close to Sam's location, at least that's what he hoped? He was in no mood to run after anyone but yet here he was, running. Either way he needed to take him with him, with the whole deal they had and all. 

**Is that it?**

"What is?" 

**Is that all there is for you?**

His stride ended as he slipped and crashed head first onto a rotted tombstone, its unmade texture allowed him to be saved from a massive crack in his cranium and gave him a pass for a small cut with just a few drops of blood, but man did it hurt like a bitch for some reason. His pounding couldn't stop him from thinking about the voice that appeared in his head, he's dealt with things like this before but why was this happening here? And now of all times? 

"CAS?, where the fuck are you?" He stumbled drastically and walked aimlessly around unmade graves, Dean couldn't help but place his hand on his aching side and gaze around, the sand was dark, so very dark but so soft in contact, his boots grazed it possessively but every bit of sand escaped it, Dean was confused, he had never been to a graveyard with ground such as this, what the hell is going on here? 

He bent down carefully to look at the inscriptions on the stone, at first he felt his eyes had given up on him, but placing a hand over it he knew he couldn't be conscious right now, at least that was what he felt. 

_All of them were blank._

Shaken, he looked at another,and another, and another, but all of them remained the same, just blank, clean, untouched. His vision was blurry and his breaths ragged, he couldn't binder stand... any of this. 

He knew he wanted to get out of here and find Cas, FAST. 

"Caaaaasssss! Enough fucking around we need to leave this place now. Gasp, gasp, I need you to come out now, come the fuck out!" He shivered as his breaths became louder rather than his voice. Dean was crawling in the soft sand and he couldn't keep up with his besting heart, the world looked so damn disgusting in his eyes, nothing but ugly stones and confused diagrams began to invade his head. 

"Hold up, will ya?. Sigh, sigh,.. I think... I think I see you..." 

Indeed, Castiel was just a few feet away towering over something he couldn't really understand, it was a grave, but... It looked... Different. 

It wasn't shaped like a cross,it wasn't shaped like any basic tombstone, but in a very unique shape of it's own, with pentagram symbols residing in its side. He continued to drag himself across the sand and finally reached Castiel, his feet looked completely fixed in his spot and the smooth sand wasn't making him go under, Dean couldn't understand how he was doing that but he didn't dwell over it so much. He grunted as he stood up and he faced Castiel, who wasn't even looking at him. 

_Is he still fixated on that damn thing?_

Dean was hoping that he'd snap out of it sooner or later but a minute or so of waiting later he was starting to get pissed, I mean how long was he supposed to keep looking at him until he looked back? 

"Cas, we need to fucking leave... Whoever this grave belongs to has to wait a little longer okay? So let's gp before anything messed up comes out here" Dean slaaped Castiel slightly on his elbow and started walking slowly, his touch seemed to have made Castiel respond, but his voice proved to sound otherwise. 

**"Dean?..."**

Dean, in no way, could he have recognized that voice to be of Castiel's, at first he remained still and instinctively held the blade in his jacket,but before he could even stop himself he started to pull it out. 

_Listen to him._ "That fucki- what the hell is?" He stammered as he stopped midway. 

"D... Dean?" He murmured again, his voice almost too deafeningly quiet. 

"Cas?... Are you alright? It is you... Isn't it?" Dean spoke, he took slow steps towards Castiel, who had already averted his gaze to look at the grave he stood over. Dean knew he had had enough, he knew he couldn't keep up with his antics any longer so he made his way towards him in fury and pushed him away slightly, a little roughly than he had meant to "What the fuck is going on?! Whose grave is it and why-" 

That same feeling again. 

Cold. 

Warmth. 

Sadness. 

Crippling fear. 

Shadows. 

So many damn shadows. 

"Cas... What the actual fuck... Is this?" 

He ran his fingers through his tangled hair, pulling on each strand to make him sense something in his head, **so much pain. There was so much agonizing pain.Why was this? How was this...?**

_Dean Winchester_

 _Jan 24 1979- died Feb 8th 2017_

_Dean? Can you remember? Dean?_

"I..." Cas spoke, too melancholic to keep himself held this long. 

"I... **Buried you here."**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoever reads this, I just want to say I'm so sorry for this, for anyone who even read this shitty fanfic. Things got hectic for me and I'm just so mentally unstable that i don't even know what I can do anymore. This fanfic meant so much to me and I want to continue this journey and bring it to its end, I planned on writing 2 more chunks of the series but now I don't know anymore.   
> But I know I will some day.   
> For now, I hope you like this chapter, I'm sorry for going mia once again.


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